Home » Misc » My baby won t feed

My baby won t feed


Why is my baby refusing the breast? 8 tips that help | Baby & toddler, Feeding articles & support

Whether your baby refuses the breast as a newborn or when they’re older, it can be very stressful. Here’s why it might happen and what to try…

Why won’t my newborn baby breastfeed?

Sometimes, newborn babies struggle to latch on to breastfeed after they’re born. It can be worrying for new parents when this happens – you might think something’s wrong.

There may be a simple explanation. This information could help you find your own solution, or decide if you need further support.

Some of the more common reasons for newborn babies finding it difficult to latch onto the breast could be:

  • a difficult labour or birth – your baby might feel sore or have a headache if the mother has had interventions in labour or if they were born very quickly
  • medication used during labour – anaesthesia, epidural or pethidine can make your baby sleepy or groggy
  • your baby being separated from you after birth – even for a few minutes
  • discomfort due to a birth injury or bruising
  • swallowing mucus at birth can make your baby feel congested, nauseous or uncomfortable
  • an early unpleasant experience of attempting to breastfeed, such as being forced onto the breast
  • the baby might have tongue-tie

 (LLLGB, 2016)

Why won’t my baby breastfeed anymore?

Sometimes, older babies seem to refuse to breastfeed when they’d been breastfeeding just fine until then. This is known as a 'nursing strike.' They might refuse to breastfeed for 2-4 days, but it can be up to 10 days (Mohrbacher, 2013).

Reasons that your older baby might refuse to feed at the breast could include:

  • something has changed that makes it difficult for baby to latch
  • a strong or fast flow of milk, which your baby is struggling to take
  • a painful mouth, due to an infection like thrush or because they’re teething
  • being more aware of their surroundings and being easily distracted, for example by noise
  • a change in the taste of your milk, such as that due to your menstrual cycle
  • the introduction of more solid food
  • a small number of babies might struggle because of severe or persistent reflux, known as gastro-oesophageal reflux disease (GORD), so they may link feeding with pain.

(Mohrbacher, 2013; Gonzalez, 2014; BellyBelly, 2016; NICE, 2017; Public Health England, ND)

What can I do when my baby refuses to breastfeed?

8 top tips to help your baby who’s refusing to breastfeed:

1. Try to identify what’s going on for your baby. Knowing the cause can help not only with a plan but it can be reassuring to understand what is happening and know there’s a solution. You could think about the following:

  • Do they have a cold or an infection?
  • Was there something that might have caused them to not want to feed?
  • Talk to one of our Breastfeeding Counsellors or contact our Infant Feeding Line on 0300 330 0700 (option 1) for further support. It can be a great way to get some help to find out what’s happening.
  • You could also contact a health professional to investigate any medical reasons why your baby might not be feeding.

2. Try to stay calm and not force a feed. Instead, allow your baby to take the lead.

3. Especially for young babies, many mums find skin-to-skin contact in a laid-back position helps to take the pressure out of the situation. It allows your baby to use their own natural instincts to feed (Burbridge, 2017).

4. Don’t worry if your baby bobs their head or moves it from side to side, they’re not rejecting the breast as it might appear. These are your baby’s natural ways of finding your breast (Coulson, 2012).

5. Try a different feeding position to see if you can get your baby more comfortable. Some babies find a laid-back breastfeeding (also called biological nurturing) position helpful if they are struggling to get a deep latch or if you have a strong let-down of milk (Coulson, 2012).

6. Sometimes, feeding your baby while they’re sleepy or even asleep can be helpful. Many mums say that these ‘dream feeds’ can be very effective for a baby who is uninterested when awake (Pitman and Bennett, 2008).

7. You could try feeding your baby while rocking them or walking around, singing or playing with them or playing white noise or background music to them (Australian Breastfeeding Association, 2017).

8.  You might want to try feeding in a quiet room, away from distractions, as some babies are so keen to be involved that they limit their feeds (Gonzalez, 2014).

What can I do if I’ve tried everything but my baby still won’t breastfeed?

One of the key things to consider is maintaining your milk supply. You might need to consider expressing, either by hand or with a pump. You can find more information about expressing and storing your milk here.

Another consideration is making sure your baby is getting enough milk. How might you know how much milk your baby is getting, you might ask. The answer lies in their dirty and wet nappies. You can expect six wet nappies in 24 hours if your baby is over a week old (UNICEF, 2016). If you’re unsure, it’s best to ask for support from your health visitor, GP or NCT breastfeeding counsellor.

In the short term, you might need to look at alternative ways to feed your baby if you think they’re not getting enough milk. A newborn baby needs to be fed regularly and parents can use syringe or cup feeding as an alternative to a bottle in the early days (Flint et al, 2016; NHS, 2016).

If you decide to use a bottle, it might be helpful to feed with plenty of skin-to-skin contact (UNICEF, 2018). Gently offering the bottle to your baby by tickling their top lip, waiting for the wide-open gape might also help mimic a breastfeed (UNICEF, 2019). That can support the transition back to the breast.

Taking frequent breaks during the bottle feed, and perhaps swapping sides, can be helpful (UNICEF 2018). Continuing to have skin-to-skin time with your baby and allowing them access to the breast will help this. It’ll also be a bonding and calming experience for you both.

How can I deal with the stress of my baby refusing to breastfeed?

When a newborn refuses the breast, or an older baby goes through a nursing strike, it can be very upsetting for both you and your baby. You’re definitely not alone in struggling with the emotions of breastfeeding problems. So here are some tips that might help:

  1. Try to take time to enjoy plenty of extra cuddles and quiet time together.
  2. Many mums find a ‘babymoon’  helpful for allowing their baby access to the breast in a non-pressurised way. A babymoon means spending some hours together in a relaxed setting, such as lying down snuggling in bed. This can allow you to enjoy your baby without worrying about feeding.
  3. For older babies, some mums find that having a bath with their baby or bringing their baby into bed with them helps their baby to latch.
  4. Try to find some support from other mums and trained breastfeeding supporters. Chatting with other people about this can help to unburden the stresses and worries you might be feeling. Breast refusal is not uncommon and you might find that chatting to someone who understands is invaluable while you’re struggling.
  5. For many mums, time and patience can help the situation. Your baby’s instincts and behaviour can change and develop, especially in the early days.
  6. If you’re struggling, do contact the NCT Infant Feeding Line and speak to a breastfeeding counsellor. They’ll listen, offer you information and will support you to find your own path.

This page was last reviewed in August 2019.

Further information

NCT supports all parents, however they feed their baby. If you have questions, concerns or need support, you can speak to a breastfeeding counsellor by calling our helpline on 0300 330 0700, whether you are exclusively breastfeeding or using formula milk. Breastfeeding counsellors have had extensive training, will listen without judging or criticising and will offer relevant information and suggestions. You can also find more useful articles here.

National Breastfeeding Line (government funded): 0300 100 021.

NHS information on mastitis.

Best Beginnings - Bump to Breastfeeding DVD Chapter 7 'Overcoming Challenges'.

Healthtalkonline.org: Managing Breastfeeding – dealing with difficult times.
 

References

Australian for Breastfeeding Association (2017) Breast refusal. https://www.breastfeeding.asn.au/bf-info/breast-refusal [Accessed 22nd February 2019]

BellyBelly. (2016) Breast refusal – 13 tips for a baby that refuses the breast.
https://www.bellybelly.com.au/breastfeeding/breast-refusal/ [Accessed 22nd February 2019]

Burbridge A. (2017) Nursing strikes. La Leche League GB. Available at: https://www.laleche.org.uk/nursing-strikes/ [Accessed 1st August 2019]

Coulson S. (2012) Biological nurturing: the laid-back breastfeeding revolution. Midwifery Today, 101 Available at: https://midwiferytoday.com/mt-articles/biological-nurturing/ [Accessed 1st August 2019]

Flint A, New K, Davies MW. (2016) Cup feeding versus other forms of supplemental enteral feeding for newborn infants unable to fully breastfeed. Cochrane Database Syst Rev. (8):CD005092. Available from: https://www.cochranelibrary.com/cdsr/doi/10.1002/14651858.CD005092.pub3… [Accessed 1st August 2019]

Gonzalez C. (2014) Breastfeeding Made Easy. London: Pinter &Martin

LLLGB. (2016) My baby won’t breastfeed. Available at https://www.laleche.org.uk/my-baby-wont-breastfeed/ [Accessed 1st August 2019]

Mohrbacher N. (2013) Is your formerly nursing baby refusing to breastfeed? Breastfeeding Reporter Blog. Available at http://www.nancymohrbacher.com/articles/2013/1/26/is-your-formerly-nursing-baby-refusing-to-breastfeed.html?rq=refusing [Accessed 1st August 2019]

NICE. (2017) Breastfeeding problems. National Institute for health and Care Excellence, Clinical Knowledge Summaries. Available at: https://cks.nice.org.uk/breastfeeding-problems#!scenario [Accessed 1st August 2019]

Pitman T, Bennett H. (2008) 0-1 year: nursing strikes; breastfeeding while baby’s falling asleep may help end a nursing strike. Today’s Parent. 7:137.

Public Health England. (ND) Breastfeeding challenges. NHS, Start 4 life. Available at: https://www.nhs.uk/start4life/baby/breastfeeding/breastfeeding-challenges/reflux/ [Accessed 1st August 2019]

UNICEF. (2016) Breastfeeding checklist for mothers – How can I tell that breastfeeding is going well? UNICEF UK Baby Friendly Initiative. Available at https://www.unicef.org.uk/babyfriendly/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2016/10/mothers_breastfeeding_checklist.pdf [Accessed 1st August 2019]

UNICEF. (2018) Skin-to-skin contact. Available from: https://www.unicef.org.uk/babyfriendly/baby-friendly-resources/guidance-for-health-professionals/implementing-the-baby-friendly-standards/further-guidance-on-implementing-the-standards/skin-to-skin-contact/ [Accessed 1st August 2019]

UNICEF. (2019) Responsive bottle feeding. Available from: https://www.unicef.org.uk/babyfriendly/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2019/04/Infant-formula-and-responsive-bottle-feeding.pdf [Accessed 1st August 2019]

My Baby Won’t Breastfeed - La Leche League GB

This page is about young babies who have never breastfed or who get very upset when offered the breast. If your baby was breastfeeding well but is now refusing, see our page on “nursing strikes”. Sometimes, a new difficulty with feeding is the first sign that the baby is becoming unwell. If you are not sure that your baby is well, please contact your doctor.

When a baby doesn’t breastfeed after birth, it can be upsetting, confusing and frustrating. You might wonder whether you’re doing something wrong, or even whether your baby likes you. It’s hard not to take it personally!

Babies are ‘hardwired’ to breastfeed – it is an essential survival behaviour. When a baby doesn’t breastfeed, it’s never because they don’t want to. Something is making it hard for them. Babies are never “lazy” or “difficult” – they always do the best they can. So do their mothers!

When it’s taking time for breastfeeding to get going:

  1. Keep your milk flowing
  2. Keep your baby fed
  3. Keep your baby close

If you do this, your baby is very likely to breastfeed when they are ready. Time, patience, and good feeding support are usually all you need.

This useful summary of the “3 Keeps” can be downloaded as a free A4 poster here.

You can read more about getting breastfeeding on track after a difficult start here.

Why isn’t my baby breastfeeding?

After a straightforward birth, most well, full-term babies will start feeding within an hour or so. Not all babies have such an easy start, though. Babies can take longer to start breastfeeding if:

  • They had a more complicated birth. Babies born with the aid of forceps, for example, often take a few days to recover and feed well.  If you had pain medication in labour, your baby may be sleepy and uncoordinated at first.
  • Your baby was born early, or small for their gestational age. See also breastfeeding premature babies and late preterm babies (those born between 34 and 37 weeks). Even being born one or two weeks early can mean that your baby takes longer to start breastfeeding. It might take until around your baby’s due date, or a little longer, before they are ready to feed well.
  • You and your baby were separated after birth because one or both of you needed medical care.
  • Your baby is very sleepy and doesn’t yet have enough energy to breastfeed. See also sleepy baby and newborn jaundice.
  • Your baby is unwell.
  • Your baby is uncomfortable, e.g., some babies have a sore head or sore shoulder after birth.
  • Your baby has low muscle tone (hypotonia).
  • Your baby has a physical challenge such as tongue-tie.
You have plenty of time

Parents sometimes worry that if their baby isn’t breastfeeding well, or at all, in the first few hours, days or weeks after birth, it will never happen.  While breastfeeding in the first hour after birth is ideal, the window of opportunity for babies to start breastfeeding is much longer than this.  The feeding reflexes, which keep babies seeking and attaching to the breast, last for at least two to three months after birth.  We have seen many babies start breastfeeding older than three months, too! There are even reports of children over a year old starting to breastfeed, when placed for adoption with a lactating mother. Where there is milk, there is always the possibility of breastfeeding.

Photo: Jen Valsler

First things first

Sorting out breastfeeding problems can feel overwhelming.  There seems to be so much to do, and you might feel you have to do it all at the same time!  It is helpful to know what is urgent and what can wait.  This can help you to work out what to do in what order, and how best to use your time and energy. Feeding at the breast is the least urgent thing, at this stage.

If your goal is to have a full milk supply (enough milk to meet all your baby’s needs) but you need to use donated breastmilk or formula at the moment, or if your baby is not growing well just on your milk, then making more milk is the top priority. This is more urgent than your baby starting to feed at the breast.

If your baby is not breastfeeding at all yet, or is not breastfeeding effectively, you can express your milk. This gives you milk to feed your baby now and encourages your breasts to make plenty of milk for the weeks and months to come.

Your breasts may temporarily become swollen and uncomfortable, starting around 2-4 days after birth. This is called “engorgement” and is a sign that your breasts are becoming more active (though not all mothers feel it). It is important to treat engorgement, to keep your breasts comfortable and your milk flowing well. Read more here: Engorged breasts – avoiding and treating.

Read here about how milk production works and how to increase your milk supply.

You can find information here on how to use bottles and other feeding tools.

Exclusive Expressing

Expressing all the milk your baby needs is known as “exclusive pumping” or “EP”. You can read more here. Some mothers choose to do this; many do it because their babies are not able to breastfeed. You might find it helpful to join an online support group for “EP mums”.

If you need to express your milk for a baby who is not breastfeeding yet, it is important to work with a skilled breastfeeding supporter. You might also want to connect with other mothers who have needed to express milk – they can be your best cheerleaders while you do this important job! Your local La Leche League group would love to support you.

Setting the scene for breastfeeding – happy time at (or near) the breast

Most babies need only time, patience, and gentle encouragement to help them start breastfeeding. Babies are born expecting to breastfeed, with a set of reflexes to help them do it. We need to keep them well fed (with expressed or formula milk), give them lots of relaxed time near the breast, and…. give the baby time.

Here are some ideas to try:

  • Hold your baby skin-to-skin. Babies use their whole bodies to feed. The more of their skin they feel against yours, the more likely they are to find the breast and start feeding. Undress your baby down to their nappy and move your clothes out of the way. If you are cold, you can put a blanket round both of you. Even if your baby doesn’t breastfeed yet, it feels lovely, and helps your baby get used to being at or near the breast. Holding your baby against your skin helps you make more milk, too! If your baby can’t tolerate being held in a feeding position, try holding them against your shoulder.
  • Avoid holding your baby in a feeding position during medical procedures, especially if your baby will be having lots. Offer the breast afterwards instead, if it calms them.
  • Try “laid-back” breastfeeding. Try putting your baby tummy-down, on the slope of your body as you recline comfortably (as if you are lying on a sun lounger). Placed like this, they can use their arms and legs to help themselves find the breast and attach well for feeding. This can work better than trying to “put” the baby to the breast, especially if they have already had difficult experiences of this. This video shows you how. The safest place to do this is in a bed that has been set up following safe sleep guidance. See our article on safer sleep.
  • Turn up the smell! Newborn babies don’t recognise the breast well by sight, though they do recognise your face, and love looking at it. They find the breast mostly by feel and smell. The little bumps around your nipple (Montgomery’s glands) make a scented oil which helps your baby find the breast and encourages them to feed. You can give your baby extra help by expressing a bit of milk and rubbing it on and around your nipples. This can encourage your baby to feed by increasing the smell and giving them something to lick as they approach the breast!
  • Try “drip-drop feeding”. Your partner or supporter uses a cup and spoon to drip milk (expressed milk or formula) onto the breast as you hold your baby. This can encourage babies to attach and feed. You can watch a video here.
  • Take a bath with your baby. When placed skin-to-skin with their mother in a warm bath, some babies find the breast and feed for the first time. Some mothers even describe it as “a second chance at giving birth”. You could set the scene with low lighting, a candle or soft music. Whether or not your baby is ready to breastfeed yet, sharing a bath can help you and your baby relax together and enjoy each other. Have another adult with you to help you get in and out safely, put the baby on you and wrap them in a warm towel when they are ready to get out.
  • “Wear” your baby. Babies who are kept close in a sling or soft carrier cry less, are calmer and warmer than babies who are put down by themselves. Being carried is good for babies’ physical & emotional development and helps parents and babies make strong connections. If your baby is not breastfeeding yet, carrying them close, as much as you want, is an excellent way to help them feel comfortable near the breast. Always follow the instructions for your sling or carrier and the rules for safe babywearing. You can read more about babywearing in this book.
  • Feed your baby at or near the breast. If your baby will go to the breast at all, consider using a nursing supplementer so your baby can have extra milk while they breastfeed. This can be helpful when milk supply is low and/or your baby is frustrated by the speed of milk flow at the breast. If your baby is fed by cup or bottle, try feeding them skin-to-skin with their cheek against your breast. Let your baby end the feed by sleeping with their cheek pillowed on the breast.
  • Consider sleeping with your baby. Some babies will attach and feed in their sleep if the breast is near enough to smell and feel.  Always consider sleep safety before sleeping with your baby in your bed.   It is never safe to sleep with a baby on a sofa. You can read more about sleep safety and normal baby sleep in LLL’s book Sweet Sleep.
Babies with low muscle tone (hypotonia)

A baby who has been diagnosed with a condition that makes them hypotonic, or ‘floppy’, may show little interest in breastfeeding. To make feeding easier:

  • Support your breast. Tuck a rolled-up cloth under your breast close to your chest wall, or support your breast with your thumb on one side of the areola, fingers on the other side.
  • Support your baby’s chin. If your thumb is parallel to your baby’s upper lip, you can use your index finger to put gentle pressure just behind the bony part of the chin while your baby feeds.
  • Try upright positions. A hypotonic baby often feeds better held with their head higher than their bottom.
  • Breast compression can also be helpful, but you may also need to give some expressed milk until your baby’s muscle tone improves. Breast compressions are explained in more detail in “My baby needs more milk”.

If your baby suddenly becomes floppy and you don’t know why, seek medical advice.

Baby steps

When you are keen to breastfeed, but your baby isn’t yet ready, it can be frustrating. Don’t forget to celebrate how far you have already come! Every time your baby enjoys being held close to your body, or falls asleep near your breast, they are taking another “baby step” towards breastfeeding. Your baby is doing the best they can for now, and so are you.

When breastfeeding is stressful

When breastfeeding is difficult for your baby, it may become stressful for both of you. Babies who have had unhappy experiences at the breast can develop negative associations with breastfeeding. This might happen, for example, when:

  • A baby is in pain or discomfort e.g. from birth injury or allergy.
  • A sensitive baby is handled at the breast in a way they don’t like, e.g., if a helper tries hard to “put” the baby to the breast when they aren’t ready.
  • Milk supply is low.
  • A baby has a physical restriction (e.g., tongue tie) that makes attaching and sucking difficult.

A baby who is finding feeding difficult may become upset:

  • A short time into the feed, when milk flow slows down.
  • At the start of the feed, when milk doesn’t come straight away.
  • When offered the breast.
  • When put in a breastfeeding position.
  •  When they see the breast.

When feeding isn’t going well, babies may come to associate the breast with hunger and frustration. They may develop a preference for another feeding method, such as a bottle, if they associate it with feeling full and satisfied. You can find some ideas on how to keep your baby’s relationship with the breast positive here: using donor milk & formula milk to support breastfeeding

The ideas in the previous section (“Setting the scene for breastfeeding – happy time at (or near) the breast”) can help your baby learn that the breast is a lovely place to be, and to associate it with calm, relaxation, comfort, and satisfaction rather than hunger and frustration.

Take a break

If breastfeeding has become very stressful for you and your baby, you might need a “breastfeeding break”.  You could stop trying for a few days, whilst expressing your milk to keep your baby fed and keep your milk flowing.  When you’re both ready, you can try again. There is no rush! Dr Christina Smillie, an American doctor who specialises in breastfeeding medicine, calls this “rebooting the baby”.

What if my baby is still not breastfeeding?

When you are eager to breastfeed, it is hard to wait. It is not uncommon for babies to need time to begin breastfeeding well. You might be encouraged by hearing the stories of other parents whose babies took time to get going.

If your baby is still not breastfeeding even with time, patience and some of the tips in this article, there will be a reason why. A skilled breastfeeding supporter can help you find out, and work towards breastfeeding. Some babies need medical care, some benefit from feeding tools such as nipple shields and a few need treatment for tongue tie. Many just need a little more time.

A few babies never do breastfeed. Some have a medical condition that makes it impossible. Very rarely, we never find out why. You don’t have to feed your baby directly from the breast to give them the many benefits of your milk or to nurture them at your breast. We can support you to have a close, happy feeding relationship with your baby, whatever form that takes.

La Leche League Leaders (breastfeeding counsellors) can help. You can find your local group, and LLL Zoom Meetings all over the country, at https://www.laleche.org.uk/find-lll-support-group/

Jayne Joyce, LLL Oxfordshire & Karla Napier, LLL Edinburgh, April 2022

Read online “My child does not want to eat!”, Carlos Gonzalez - liters

Carlos González

Mi Nijo No Me Come

Consejos Para Paras Prevenir El Problema

© Carlos González, 1999 2010

© Pilar Serrano Aguayo, 2004, por el prólogo

© Francisco Luis Frontán, 2009, por la ilustración de p. 101

© Ediciones Planeta Madrid, S.A., 2010

© IP Loshkareva S.S. (Publishing house "Svetlo"), 2015, translation, design

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any means, including posting on the Internet and in any information systems, for private and public use, without the written permission of the publisher. Copying, reproduction and other use of the book or part of it without the consent of the publisher is illegal and entails civil, administrative and criminal liability.

* * *

Dedicated to my mother, who fed me sitting on the windowsill.


The mothers' stories in this book are taken from letters sent to the editors of Ser Padres ("Parenthood"). All names and other personal details have been changed. I am sincerely grateful to these women for their trust. I have learned a lot from them.

The feuilleton "Food Patrol", which concludes this book, was first published in the same journal. nine0029

Foreword.


Are there children who want to eat?

"My child does not want to eat" - parents very often turn to doctors with such a complaint or its varieties. If in winter everyone is mostly worried about a runny nose and cough, then in the summer they visit doctors' offices with questions about nutrition.

Some mothers, like Elena, are only slightly concerned about this problem:

My son Alberto turned one on June 20th. And he doesn't eat well. The fact is that I have to entertain him in order to make him eat. Even so, he never finishes eating. I don't know if I should be concerned as he is an agile and playful baby and the doctor says he is in perfect health. nine0029

Others, like Maribel, are close to despair:

My daughter is almost six months old. At birth, she weighed 2.4 kg. Now, at five months old, she weighs 6,400 kg. The doctor advises gradually introducing cereals, fruit purees, etc. into the diet. But the problem is that my baby refuses to eat solid food. I try to feed her every day, and if she eats at least a teaspoon, I can be considered lucky. It all ends the same way - in tears, which makes me very upset. I don't know if I'm doing the right thing. I do not want to swear and force her to eat, and at the same time I am afraid that otherwise she will not eat anything at all. Do you think I should take a break and try again? Because as soon as she sees a spoon, she starts to protest. And I feel guilty. nine0029

Wouldn't Maribel feel better if her doctor, like Elena's doctor, told her that the baby was healthy? Children who don't eat well are always a source of concern, mainly because of the difference between what parents expect and what they actually eat. It disappears only when the child begins to eat more or when the expectations of relatives and friends change. It's almost impossible to force a child to eat more (and that's a good thing, because it can be dangerous). The purpose of this book is to help the reader lower their expectations of their child and bring their expectations into line with reality. nine0005

You are not alone

After presenting their complaints to the doctor, some mothers add: “I know that many mothers complain about the same thing without any reason, but, doctor, my child really does not eat anything. If only you could see it for yourself!"

They are wrong about two things. First, they think that their child is the only one who does not eat anything. Actually it is not. Their child is not even the one who eats the least. Dear reader, there are other children in the world who eat less than yours. (How do I know this? It's just a theory of probability. There is one and only one child who eats the least in the world. His mother may not buy this book, but if she does, I could be wrong for once!)

But they are also mistaken in thinking that other mothers worry unreasonably. It's not like that at all. Their children do indeed eat very little (because they need very little food, as we will explain later), and the mothers are truly and sincerely worried.

Why this hurts us so much

It's understandable that mothers worry about the health of their children. But there is another explanation for why poor nutrition is even more of a concern than a cough or runny nose. On the one hand, the mother tends to believe (or is made to think so) that it is her fault: she cooked the food wrong, does not know how to feed the child, failed to teach the child to eat. On the other hand, mothers tend to take things personally. Here is what Laura says:


My daughter is one and a half years old and does not eat well. I always cook her food with love, but after two spoonfuls she starts spitting everything out. This makes me very upset! What can I do to make her eat as the Lord intended?

This girl is not only fastidious, but also brings all the efforts of her mother to naught. By the way, we have not heard the Lord lay down any rules about how a child should eat. Perhaps the woman meant to say "as prescribed by the doctor"? nine0005

Mothers often take things personally. Sometimes they say: "He won't eat what I give him" or "He won't eat because of me", and not just "He won't eat". Some perceive this as a hostile action on the part of the child: "He refuses to eat whatever I cook. " Mothers have repeatedly told me that they hide tears during feeding. Sometimes the poor child is involved in a contrived emotional conflict. Instead of a simple question: "Are you hungry or not?" - a whole war begins, and the question is already posed like this: “Do you love me at all?” And now the child has already been found guilty of not loving his mother, just because he refused to eat another piece. And often he hears a hint, and even a direct statement: "Mommy will not love you if you do not eat." nine0005

Why does it hurt them more

All family members, especially mothers, are very worried about problems with feeding a child. They really suffer. One of them once wrote to me: "It's just a nightmare to be afraid of every breakfast-lunch-dinner."

If the mother is afraid, what can we say about the child. No matter how hard it is for you, remember that your child is going through even more. No, he doesn't try to manipulate you or fight you, he doesn't challenge you or start a rebellion. He's just scared. nine0005

I am very worried about my son (he is three years old) because he does not want to eat. He just puts food in his mouth, but after a minute he spits it out. He cries all the time of feeding and calms down only when I stop feeding him.

A mother always has an escape route, an opportunity to calm down and there is hope. You may worry that the child is not eating, be afraid that he will get sick, worry when family and friends say: “He should eat more,” as if you are refusing to feed him. You feel rejected when a child refuses to eat food prepared with love, and when he cries, you feel guilty, believing that you have harmed him. Nevertheless, it is also true that you are an adult, you have common sense, education and experience. You can rely on the love and support of loved ones who are most likely to be on your side in this conflict. Now your world is focused on raising a child, but it is more. You have a past and a future, perhaps a career. You have your own explanation of what is happening, whether it is true or not. You know why you are forcing your child to eat (even if at the moment you are bewildered by his refusals), and in your moments of deepest despair, you say to yourself: “This is for his own good.” You have a lot to hope for, because you know that older children eat themselves and that the period when you feed the child will end in a couple of years. nine0005

What does the child have? What is his past, future, education, friends, rational explanation of what is happening, what are his hopes? Your child has only you.

For a child, the mother is the whole world. She is for him security, love, warmth and nourishment. In her arms, he is calm, but as soon as she leaves, he cries bitterly. Faced with any need to get something, with any difficulty, he can only cry, and the mother instantly responds and settles everything.

But everything is changing. The child cries because he has eaten too much, but instead of being on his side, as always, the mother tries to make him eat even more. The situation continues to worsen: her soft insistence is soon replaced by grumbling, importunate requests and threats. The child cannot understand the reason for this. He has no idea that he ate less than the book said, or less than the doctor recommended, or less than the neighbor's kid. He hadn't heard of calcium, iron, or vitamins. He can't understand that you think it's for his own good. All he knows is that his stomach hurts from too much food and that the food keeps coming. For him, the behavior of his mother is incomprehensible, as if she had spanked him or left him naked on the balcony. nine0005

Many children sometimes spend up to six hours a day on “food”, or rather, fighting with their mother at the plate of food. And why this happens, they do not understand. They don't know how long it will last (they think it will last forever). And there is no one to explain to them. The person they love most in the world, the one they trust, seems to be against them. Their whole world is crumbling.

Theory

Many books and magazine articles have discussed the topic of children who do not seem to want to eat. Neighbors, relatives and friends are also quick to advise. Their points of view often do not coincide, and sometimes even contradict each other. These differences are partly due to the way the advice lover answers for himself (not necessarily out loud) two fundamental questions:

1. Is the child eating enough or should he eat more?

2. Is the child the victim or the cause of the situation?

Those people who believe that "bad eaters" should eat more see several reasons for this state of affairs and offer several solutions to the problem.

1. Discipline. The blame lies with the parents who spoiled the child by succumbing to his whims and allowing him to run the show.

2. Marketing. The child does not eat because the parents do not know how to "sell" the product. They should feed the baby in a quiet and peaceful environment, from beautifully designed baby dishes. nine0005

3. Creativity. Children don't like monotony. You must diversify the taste and character of the products, while decorating dishes beautifully: make a mouse out of boiled rice with ham ears or a clown's face out of mashed potatoes, paprika and olives.

4. Physiotherapy. You should massage the child's cheeks. Every day since birth. It stimulates and strengthens the jaw muscles.

5. Non-interference policy. The child refuses to eat, thereby demonstrating his opposition to the one who forces him to eat. Once you stop pushing him, he will eat more. nine0005

I do not share either of these views. My theory has some similarities with the policy of laissez-faire, but there is one fundamental difference. I do not believe that the child will start eating more when you stop forcing him, because I do not believe that the child needs more food. Indeed, children can start to eat a little more if they are not forced, and I observed several children who gained weight rapidly in a similar situation, but the increase was small - 100-200 grams, and it lasted only a couple of days. This does not surprise me, since I am convinced that even the child's natural desire to fight against coercion will not make him eat much less than he needs. In extreme cases, he may develop a delay in feeling of hunger, but he quickly compensates for this lag. nine0005

The main idea of ​​this book is not to force the child to eat. This is not a manual for increasing appetite. Treat this idea as a manifestation of your love and respect for the child. When you stop forcing a child to eat, he will still eat the same amount, but without the suffering and struggle that has so far accompanied every meal.

The second question is the child the victim or the cause of this situation? Many authors believe that a child who refuses to eat is testing boundaries, demonstrating his will, gaining some benefit, and manipulating his parents. I strongly disagree with this. I believe that the child is the main victim of the situation, which he did not create. I will give an example described by Brennerman (1932) quoted by the famous English pediatrician R. S. Illingworth in his book The Healthy Child (1991) On the one hand, these are constant persuasion, harassment, persuasion, cajoling, flattery, pleading, attempts to shame, scolding, grumbling, threats, bribery, demonstration of delicious food and again tears or pretense, clowning, singing songs, reading picture books, radio, drumming as soon as the capricious opens its mouth, and even a jig in the grandmother's performance - all this in the hope that the food will go into the mouth further and not come back. And so from day to day. nine0029

Up to this point, I fully agree with the author. I would even add: “Meanwhile, in the opposite camp, the poor child defends himself as best he can: he presses his lips together, spit out food, he vomits.” However, Brenneman sees the picture quite differently:


On the other hand, the little tyrant holds the line resolutely, either refusing to surrender or capitulating on his own terms. And the two main weapons of his defense are vomiting and procrastination.

nine0031

Why call him a tyrant? The child in this conflict always suffers the most. Have you ever seen a child get strawberry yogurt instead of vegetables and meat while refusing to eat? The child owns many more pleasant methods to get it. Do people really think that an hour long fight with their mother, spitting, crying and vomiting is just a show to get strawberry yogurt?

Part I.


Causes

Chapter 1.


Getting Started
Why do we eat?

As my mother used to say, God could have made us so that we would never want to eat. And I agree with her, looking at how every day parents think with horror: “What to cook for dinner?”

Yes, we must eat. We are created that way. Have you ever asked yourself the question: "Why?"

Without going into philosophy, we can say that we have three reasons to eat: to live, to grow (or gain weight) and to move.

To live. Our body needs a lot of food to function. Even if we slept around the clock, or if our body stopped growing, we would still need food.

To grow or gain weight. Our muscles and bones, blood and fat tissue, and even hair and nails grow from what we eat.

To move, work and play. We need energy to move. Everyone knows that athletes and manual laborers need more food than office workers because physical activity makes you feel hungry. nine0005

How much should a child eat?

Why do children eat?

To live. The amount of food consumed, in addition to that needed for movement and growth, depends on the size of the body. The elephant eats more than the cow, and the cow eats more than the sheep. If you are going to buy a dog, then think about the choice of breed: the German Shepherd eats more than the toy poodle.

If children did not grow, they would require much less food than adults, because they themselves are smaller. nine0005

To grow. The faster the child grows, the more food he needs. And all children grow at different rates.

When do you think a person grows the fastest? Of course, in the womb. In just nine months, a beautiful three-kilogram baby will grow from one cage, which weighs less than a gram. Fortunately, at this time the baby does not need to be fed. All nutrients themselves come to him through the placenta.

Many people think that the period of most intensive growth, or, as it is also called, the “growth spurt”, after birth, is adolescence. In fact, this is not so. During this period, the child grows by less than 10 cm and 10 kg per year. In the first year of life, the baby gains 20 cm and 6 to 7 kg. In other words, his weight increases three times, and he will not increase more (that is, three times) until the child reaches the age of 10 years. Apart from the period of intrauterine development, a person never again grows as fast as during the first year of life. (Please note that the figures given here are rounded averages; however, all children are different, so don't worry if your child differs from these figures by a few centimeters or kilograms.) nine0005

It is estimated that in the first four months, 27% of a child's food is used for growth 2 . Between six and twelve months, they use 5% of food for growth, and only 3% in the second year of life. That's why babies eat a lot - because of the growth spurt. And due to their small size and the fact that they move little, they would require a small amount of food if they did not grow.

Do children eat a lot? If you find this hard to believe, let's try playing the game. Imagine that a child is not growing and needs food in proportion to its size. In other words, a 30 kg child will eat twice as much as a 15 kg child and half as much as a 60 kg adult. (This is not an exact proportion, of course, so don't worry fellow nutritionists. In fact, small animals eat more proportionately than large ones. I just want you to visualize the relationship between size and food intake.) nine0005

Accordingly, if a child weighing 5 kg drinks 750 ml of milk every day, then a woman weighing 50 to 60 kg should drink 10–20 times more, that is, 7.5–9 liters of milk. Can you drink that much? Of course not. That is, for their size, the child eats more than you. A lot more. And this is explained by the fact that he is growing, and you are no longer.

To move. Small children move a lot. And we are used to hearing such phrases: “It is not clear where he has so much energy, since he eats almost nothing” or: “It is not surprising that she is not getting fat - look how active!” nine0005

Now let's stop and take a closer look. And we will see that small children do not move much. Newborns practically do not move at all, and one-year-old babies walk slowly and intermittently. They are taken everywhere. That is, they do not experience much stress: they do not lift weights, even their own weight. And an adult spends more energy to cover the same distance as a child, since it takes much more energy to lift 60 kg than 10 kg. “Yes, just watching them is exhausting in itself ...” is another comment about the tirelessness of children. This may well be true, but it's unlikely that a small child uses more energy playing with toys than an adult woman does when she's shopping for groceries. nine0005

Read the book "My child does not want to eat!" online in full📖 — Carlos Gonzalez — MyBook.

Carlos González

Mi niño no me come

Consejos para prevenir y resolver el problema

© Carlos González, 1999, 2009, 2010

© Pilar Serrano Aguayo, 2004, por el prólogo

© Francisco Luis Frontán, 2009, por la ilustración de p. 101

© Ediciones Planeta Madrid, S.A., 2010

© IP Loshkareva S.S. (Publishing house "Svetlo"), 2015, translation, design

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any means, including posting on the Internet and in any information systems, for private and public use, without the written permission of the publisher. Copying, reproduction and other use of the book or part of it without the consent of the publisher is illegal and entails civil, administrative and criminal liability.

* * *

Dedicated to my mother, who fed me sitting on the windowsill.


The mothers' stories in this book are taken from letters sent to the editors of Ser Padres (Parenthood). All names and other personal details have been changed. I am sincerely grateful to these women for their trust. I have learned a lot from them.

The feuilleton "Food Patrol", which concludes this book, was first published in the same journal. nine0029

Foreword.


Are there children who want to eat?

"My child does not want to eat" - parents very often turn to doctors with such a complaint or its varieties. If in winter everyone is mostly worried about a runny nose and cough, then in the summer they visit doctors' offices with questions about nutrition.

Some mothers, like Elena, are only slightly concerned about this problem:

My son Alberto turned one on June 20th. And he doesn't eat well. The fact is that I have to entertain him in order to make him eat. Even so, he never finishes eating. I don't know if I should be concerned as he is an agile and playful baby and the doctor says he is in perfect health. nine0029

Others, like Maribel, are close to despair:

My daughter is almost six months old. At birth, she weighed 2.4 kg. Now, at five months old, she weighs 6,400 kg. The doctor advises gradually introducing cereals, fruit purees, etc. into the diet. But the problem is that my baby refuses to eat solid food. I try to feed her every day, and if she eats at least a teaspoon, I can be considered lucky. It all ends the same way - in tears, which makes me very upset. I don't know if I'm doing the right thing. I do not want to swear and force her to eat, and at the same time I am afraid that otherwise she will not eat anything at all. Do you think I should take a break and try again? Because as soon as she sees a spoon, she starts to protest. And I feel guilty. nine0029

Wouldn't Maribel feel better if her doctor, like Elena's doctor, told her that the baby was healthy? Children who don't eat well are always a source of concern, mainly because of the difference between what parents expect and what they actually eat. It disappears only when the child begins to eat more or when the expectations of relatives and friends change. It's almost impossible to force a child to eat more (and that's a good thing, because it can be dangerous). The purpose of this book is to help the reader lower their expectations of their child and bring their expectations into line with reality. nine0005

You are not alone

After stating their complaints to the doctor, some mothers add: “I know that many mothers complain about the same thing without any reason, but, doctor, my child really does not eat anything. If only you could see it for yourself!"

They are wrong about two things. First, they think that their child is the only one who does not eat anything. Actually it is not. Their child is not even the one who eats the least. Dear reader, there are other children in the world who eat less than yours. (How do I know this? It's just a theory of probability. There is one and only one child who eats the least in the world. His mother may not buy this book, but if she does, I could be wrong for once!)

But they are also mistaken in thinking that other mothers worry unreasonably. It's not like that at all. Their children do indeed eat very little (because they need very little food, as we will explain later), and the mothers are truly and sincerely worried.

Why does this hurt us so much

It is understandable that mothers worry about the health of their children. But there is another explanation for why poor nutrition is even more of a concern than a cough or runny nose. On the one hand, the mother tends to believe (or is made to think so) that it is her fault: she cooked the food wrong, does not know how to feed the child, failed to teach the child to eat. On the other hand, mothers tend to take things personally. Here is what Laura says:


My daughter is one and a half years old and does not eat well. I always cook her food with love, but after two spoonfuls she starts spitting everything out. This makes me very upset! What can I do to make her eat as the Lord intended?

This girl is not only fastidious, but also brings all the efforts of her mother to nothing. By the way, we have not heard the Lord lay down any rules about how a child should eat. Perhaps the woman meant to say "as prescribed by the doctor"? nine0005

Mothers often take things personally. Sometimes they say: "He won't eat what I give him" or "He won't eat because of me", and not just "He won't eat". Some perceive this as a hostile action on the part of the child: "He refuses to eat whatever I cook." Mothers have repeatedly told me that they hide tears during feeding. Sometimes the poor child is involved in a contrived emotional conflict. Instead of a simple question: "Are you hungry or not?" - a whole war begins, and the question is already posed like this: “Do you love me at all?” And now the child has already been found guilty of not loving his mother, just because he refused to eat another piece.

Learn more