Wisconsin woman feeds baby to husband
Marissa Tietsort: Wisconsin Babysitter Charged With Killing Infant Pretended Child Was Asleep: Complaint
By Inside Edition Staff
Updated: 9:25 AM PST, January 7, 2019
A Wisconsin woman charged in the killing of an infant she was baby-sitting allegedly dressed the dead baby and pretended he was alive when she gave him back to his mother, police said.
Police responding to reports of a child not breathing said they found the baby’s mother desperately trying to revive her 2-month-old son as he lay motionless on a table at a laundromat in Wausau at about 9:45 p.m. on Oct. 18, according to a criminal complaint filed in state court.
The boy was motionless, his skin was ashen and his lips blue, and his jaw was clenched shut, the complaint states. His legs were rigid and in a seated position, remaining bent at the knee after he was removed from his car seat. The baby was dead.
Investigators said the mother told them she had picked up her son only minutes before arriving at the laundromat. He and her other child had been in the care of a babysitter named Marissa Tietsort, who was the only adult at the house when the children were dropped off between 3:30 and 4 p.m. that day.
Around 6 p.m., the mother received a text message from Tietsort saying a local news site had posted a story that she had been charged with child abuse. Tietsort said she was not supposed to be in contact with children and asked that the mother not tell anyone that she was watching her children.
She picked up her children from Tietsort’s home about 9:20 p.m.
Thinking he was asleep, the mother took her son back from Tietsort and only realized he was dead when she removed the baby from the car seat, she told police.
“You killed my sister’s … baby,” the mother’s sister texted Tietsort, a 28-year-old mother of five who was pregnant with her sixth child, minutes after police arrived at the laundromat.
Tietsort allegedly admitted to police she knew the baby had died in her care, but said she did not know how or why.
“She said she did not check for a pulse, she did not reach out for help and she did not perform any resuscitation efforts,” the complaint said.
She put the baby’s lifeless body on the hallway floor while she grabbed his snowsuit, and then dressed him and placed him in the car seat, police said. She also allegedly admitted to covering him with blankets and purposefully putting his hat over his eyes so that his mother would not realize he was dead.
Tietsort’s boyfriend came home during this time and she did not tell him that the baby was dead, instead bringing his body along when she and the boyfriend took the baby’s older brother to McDonald’s, officials said.
Though Tietsort claimed to have no idea how or why the baby died, investigators said evidence showed the child had suffered fatal injuries while in her care.
A forensic pathologist performed an autopsy on the child and determined the child died from blunt force head injuries with multiple impacts to the head.
The baby “had at least three separate injuries to his head,” resulting in him being “immediately incapable of interactive activity such as eating, crying or eye contact,” the complaint said. His tailbone had also been fractured, broken off and displaced, “indicating a significant amount of force was used,” the complaint said.
The rigor mortis that set in on the infant’s legs, which left them bent at the knees even after he was removed from his car seat, showed he had been killed at least two hours before police arrived at the laundromat, according to the complaint.
During a second interview with detectives, Tietsort allegedly confirmed she was the only adult present when the baby died.
Tietsort was charged with first-degree intentional homicide. She has been in police custody since October, but has yet to enter a plea.
“I’m not a threat to society or a monster,” she wrote in a letter to the judge in her case, according to the Daily Herald. “I’m a great mom and I love everybody. ”
Weeks before the 2-month-old baby’s death, Tietsort was babysitting an 11-month-old girl who she said had fallen off a couch and injured her face, WSAW-TV reported. But doctors told the child’s mother that the injuries she suffered could not have happened from a fall. Felony charges for that incident were filed against Tietsort in October.
And in 2017, a 3-month-old child Tietsort was babysitting suffered a skull fracture. No charges were field in that case. In 2010, Tietsort’s then-boyfriend filed a temporary restraining order against her for allegedly abusing their two sons. Tietsort’s four children were removed from her home, but social workers did not know she had a fifth child, nor were they aware she was pregnant with a sixth, the Daily Herald reported.
Tietsort is being held on $500,000 bond. She is due in court on Jan. 18.
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wisconsin woman feeds baby to husband
No Tammy, she is talking about the husband breast feeding off of her, not feeding the baby with breast milk pumped off and into a bottle. She guessed that, since Mike had told her none of this, he was. Twenty-five-year-old Halima Cisse is believed to be the first woman on record to have surviving nonuplets. A woman pregnant with twins drove herself to the hospital when her water broke. She and her husband both had COVID-19. I do wish that I could have experienced pregnancy and breastfeeding though as I am sure most women would. And repeat the same before going out for work and after coming back. I do use officially licensed University of Wisconsin logo charms.。CUSTOM GARTERS AND OTHER WEDDING ITEMS。Please contact me with your special ideas, colors and themes. March 5, 2021 . Search. Our Continuing Education event is held each November. I would always ensure proper hygiene and wash my breasts properly after every time my husband puts his mouth and before feeding my baby. SHOPPING How To Get Pretty Skin How To Get Pretty Skin Reviews : You finding where to buy How To Get Pretty Skin for cheap best price. Drinking from a bottle takes less effort and the milk may come more rapidly, potentially causing the baby to lose desire for the breast. Until then, we hope to share current breastfeeding news, research and other events. Play the part of the bouncer. . My husband and I finally got to ask that question about how weird it would be to taste breast milk. Oh, babies! Sierra Leone. too embarrassed to discuss this with her and also too worried that she might react with disgust and loathing. An Ohio woman who was convicted of 'cooking' her month old baby to death in a microwave had the ruling dramatically reversed today. The NSW Court of Criminal Appeal today dismissed an appeal by former abattoir worker Katherine Knight against her life sentence for the February 2000 murder of her partner John Price. Items with the Wisconsin theme. I am happy to create custom wedding garters and can also create many custom ring bearer pillows, guest books, … Contrary to what many people think, any woman can breastfeed, whether she has recently delivered a baby or not. Let her offer up the fact that he’s hungry. The NSW Court of Criminal Appeal today dismissed an appeal by former abattoir worker Katherine Knight against her life sentence for the February 2000 murder of her partner John Price. With the breast, the infant's tongue massages the milk out rather than sucking, and the nipple does not go as far into the mouth. This fabric garter set is handcrafted by me, and is not a licensed University of Wisconsin or NCAA product. cheerful pregnant woman holds mobile toy looks gladfully at man isolated over yellow background. Your baby crying and hungry? The imperative to feed my baby from myself blotted out the sun. Get Cheap at best online store now!! In the majority of cases, the reason for ANR is sexual stimulation; but, as we mentioned above, it’s not the only reason. And there are quite few husbands who like to do this, I think it borders on a fetish. A Wisconsin woman on the mend from a severe bout of COVID-19 embraced her infant daughter for the first time Thursday after she gave birth nearly three months ago. However, there are situations when a mother cannot suckle her own baby. Jennifer Burrows, an assistant pathologist with the Jackson County medical examiner services, The woman is not necessarily pregnant or has just given birth. Video: A woman from Mali has given birth to 9 babies in Morocco. Anyways I digress to my point. On an episode of her web series Momsplaining, one of our favourite celeb moms shared a story about how she once made her husband nurse on her boob to help relieve her mastitis.Yikes. John Huebscher, executive director of the Wisconsin Catholic Conference, commented in 2006, “In their votes . >> Read more trending news. 1 talking about this. By Dory Jackson. A woman jailed for life for stabbing her de facto husband 37 times, skinning him and cooking his body parts as a meal for his children has lost an appeal against the severity of her sentence. For example, she may have died, become unwell or otherwise cannot produce breast milk. One man, Joel, revealed to Metro why he decided to feed from his wife during both her pregnancies. Search. And would sometime also fall asleep by my side while nursing. However, she'd read about problems with revealing one's fetish to a wife and how marriages broke down because of the man's wish to be babied. He is reportedly the baby's father. Husband and wife planting vegetation. Halima Cissé had been expecting seven babies… China Arnold, was … Don’t say so, especially from bed. How To Get Pretty Skin BY How To Get Pretty Skin in Articles How To Get Pretty Skin is … A woman jailed for life for stabbing her de facto husband 37 times, skinning him and cooking his body parts as a meal for his children has lost an appeal against the severity of her sentence. BAMAKO, Mali — A 25-year-old woman from Mali may have set a record Tuesday as she delivered nine babies that survived at a Moroccan clinic, The Associated Press reported. No wonder Kristen Bell and Dax Shepard are so dang close. Cart 0. If a couple wants to experiment this way, they probably would like to know how to stimulate lactation. You are what you are when you do that shit, but if it's agreed upon by the husband and wife or the boyfriend and girlfriend, then she IS the slut and whore she is, but for them, it will be a beautiful thing, especially the husband or boyfriend who participates and uses her like the rest. The pain of childbirth washes away, at least for a little while, when mother meets baby. Cart 0. Me and my husband were talking about different things we could do to spice up our sexual relationship one evening when the topic of breastfeeding came up. Wisconsin voters upheld the definition of marriage as “one man and one woman.” The state’s Catholic bishops had encouraged citizens to protect this definition of marriage. Download this Free Photo about Husband and wife pose with baby items prepare for becoming parents. LONDON (AP) — Britain’s Princess Eugenie and her husband Jack Brooksbank have named their baby boy August Philip Hawke Brooksbank, Buckingham Palace said Saturday. It started one morning when we were out of milk for coffee. But for one northern Virginia woman, 2020 was a year of new life and immense loss. Menu. Stock Photos by halfpoint 0 / 1 Wife feeding her lovely man with noodles while celebrating moving in Stock Photo by yacobchuk 0 / 0 Beautiful woman feeding her husband Stock Photo by Zinkevych 0 / 0 newlyweds. She’s feeding the baby 7-10 times a day. . May 07, 2021 at 11:24 am EDT By Bob D'Angelo, Cox Media Group National Content Desk. That means you’re on defacto diaper duty now. It is biologically possible for a woman to lactate or relactate, regardless of her childbearing status. He was wrong. The husband is latched onto her breast and drinking her milk like a baby would do. "She basically did that to try and get her husband's attention - to get him back into her life," the prosecutor said. A woman who once offered a $25,000 reward for information about her husband's murder is the person who killed him, investigators said Monday -- 13 years after the Wisconsin pharmacist's death. Having a milk-mother means the child will be a child to her husband, a sibling to her children, and a relative to all extended family members. Such an act isn’t usually infantilized – the breastfed person doesn’t act as if he was a baby. 4 Diseases can be passed on via breastmilk Credit: Getty - Contributor He would normally feed on at bedtime after the baby falls asleep. I had an ex b/f who talked about wanting to try if we ever decided to have a baby. Kansas City, MO | A 26-year-old morgue worker was arrested this morning after a DNA test revealed that her newborn child was the result of a necrophiliac intercourse with a man she was supposed to autopsy. husband arguing with wife holding baby; jordan ontario canada - woman breastfeeding husband stock pictures, royalty-free photos & images. Shannon Beador Reveals She Sent Ex-Husband David Beador a Baby Gift After Welcoming Child With Lesley Beador. It was implied by several people in my orbit that this kind of purist thinking was crazy, which only cemented my determination. Woman from Mali gives birth to 9 in Morocco. 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look for a husband, not a father for your child
Is it really possible in our time to seriously think that a child from a first marriage can become a hindrance to a new relationship?
Each case has its own situation. If you still try to generalize, then rather yes, it is easier to build a serious relationship without a child. But it is possible with a child, there are many examples of this.
Why is it easier without a child?
There are many reasons, but I would single out two main factors. The first is communication. A man is sometimes not ready to communicate even with a child. It's not that he doesn't want to bear some kind of responsibility, he just might not enjoy such an alignment. Some men do not pay due attention to their children, but here is a stranger.
The second factor is money, because the man now needs to provide for the child. At the same time, from my professional experience I can say that even if there are no financial problems, for example, a woman herself earns well or her father helps her child enough, a man can still perceive this as a negative point. Although, again, I would say that this is a specific factor. I know many examples when girls married a man, having either a baby up to a year old in their arms, or even pregnant from another man. They managed to get acquainted, build love relationships, get married ...
That is, the age of the child plays an important role?
Of course. Just like for any parent: the most difficult age is the baby who needs to be breastfed, the mother cannot leave him, what kind of love is there? She needs help: she has neither the time nor the strength to give love. The second difficult period is adolescence, starting from the age of 13, when the child perceives everything in the world with hostility. And this problem, again, exists in almost everyone. That is, when a dad is not a native, he faces all the same problems that a native dad faces. But he is not always ready to overcome them: there is no motivation.
What should a woman do in such a situation? How to build relationships?
For a woman, in my opinion, it is very important not to be led by her child. Very often they try to find not a husband for themselves, but a father for their child. So you don't have to do this! This is a dead end path. It is necessary to build your relationship with a man so that they are wonderful, close, sincere, trusting, then everything else can be easily resolved. There is no need to put the question like this: my son liked this man, I will marry him, but I didn’t like this one, I will not build a relationship with him. Still, that's not why you're looking for a man.
A woman meets a man. When is it appropriate to tell him that she has a child?
Straightaway. As soon as he asks, anyway. I believe that there is absolutely no need to hide, because then you can get caught yourself: addiction, love, dependence will come - relationships, intimacy, emotional dependence will appear ... And then a man can simply put these relationships on pause. Moreover, he will not necessarily leave, he simply will not develop them, the relationship will freeze at the stage “we meet 2 times a week”. And what will this woman do? She will accuse him that he is such a scoundrel, that he did not accept her child . .. Well, it was worth saying right away, and such a problem would not have arisen.
That is, right away, right on the first date, lay it out?
Well, if he asked, then yes. And if you didn’t ask, say on the second. I do not think that this will be a problem for a man who is just getting to know a woman, a rare specimen from the first day of acquaintance focuses strictly on marriage. He's just dating a girl. He can even think to himself that he will not marry her, but will simply enjoy communication, and in a couple of months he will persuade her to marry. People often change their minds, men fall in love too. Therefore, there is no need to be afraid of this - it is necessary to speak, of course. If a man treats this fatally and painfully: they say, I will not raise someone else's child, support him, well, why such a man? This is a strange type with serious psychological barriers. In principle, I would warn the girls to continue with such communication. For example, earlier, at 19th century, it was the opposite: a woman with a child had an advantage in the bride market. It was a kind of guarantee that she could give birth to a healthy child, and it was she who was often wanted to marry - in order to have offspring, and a girl who has no children is a "pig in a poke." If we take a historical digression, we will see: men often chose women who, for example, had five children from two different husbands, and she gave birth to a new husband on the sixth and seventh - there are many such women in history.
Now what? Does society influence this? Society? Or psychology?
Together. I would say this: today in such relations there is a real war. And women very often take offense at a man, they say: if you love me, you will love a child, men can call her in response RSP - “a divorcee with a trailer”.
What a horror... And this is in a civilized society of the 21st century!?
Yes! I even know a couple of psychologists who openly tell men: a normal man will never marry a RSP. Although, to be honest, I don’t really understand all this excitement: well, if you don’t want to, don’t get married, who is forcing you? Someone else will marry and be happy. But there is also a downside. Women are also often indignant: here, we invited him to our family, he should be grateful ...
Who is easier - a man who also already has children, or one who does not?
It is impossible to answer unambiguously. On the one hand, it can be easier for a man who has a child: firstly, he knows how to communicate with children, and secondly, he feels that they are on an equal footing with a woman. On the other hand, such a man may have a feeling of guilt: I don’t play with my child, but I play with someone else’s, or I take someone else’s child to rest on the sea, and mine sits at home ... It all depends on the relationship.
How is it easier for a woman in this situation?
Women, as a rule, experience the situation with the presence of children more violently. When a man has a child from a previous marriage, and he often visits him, or brings him to himself and leaves him to spend the night, and sometimes lives with him for a long time, the rarest woman is able to accept this without jealousy and without aggression. I have never seen such aggression in men.
It is easier for a daughter than for a son to find a common language with a new mother's chosen one. Such friendly, playful relationships often develop between a man and a girl, and it will be extremely unpleasant for a boy when he goes to the toilet at night and meets a strange man in shorts standing by his refrigerator
What is the reason for such a reaction in girls?
These are instincts, but we, unfortunately, have not yet got rid of them, we have not become highly spiritual superhumans, we are still mostly animals, and are often guided by instincts - especially in matters of reproduction. And here in women, and their motherhood instinct is very strong, such a biological property works as dislike for other people's children. Although there is a wonderful phrase: there are no other people's children, and, in my opinion, it is correct. If we take it as an axiom, then the child often comes to visit his father and his new wife, they all communicate together, all are friendly, all positive, and the mother of this baby - the ex-wife - is also happy that the father takes the child, that the child has eg sister. But let's face it: most often this happens only in books ... In practice, the more people interact in this family, the more conflict situations there are, and the more difficult it is to resolve them.
That is, if I understand correctly, then you need to initially build these relationships. How to do it right? So a man and a woman decided to build a family, how can a woman properly build interaction between her future husband and child?
I would advise the girls to relax a bit. Sometimes they bother too much on this topic, they think: to acquaint a child with a man or not to acquaint him? Meet! Do you introduce your child to your girlfriend? Yes, it is not necessary, when introducing a man, to say: this is my lover. Say by name: let's say this is Andrey, and this is Vladik. Everything, the topic is closed. Then, when my mother decided that Andrei would live with them, then say so: Andrei lives with us. No need to try to make a dad out of him, let their relationship develop spontaneously and naturally. Let there be tension somewhere, somewhere softness, and, of course, I would not advise a man to take on the role of an educator. It is better to fulfill the role in which he is currently located. Don't avoid these relationships, but don't push them either.
What if a common child is born in the family?
It must be understood that a man may have to fight with his instincts. It is important to understand here that when a man singles out his child and gives him a little more warmth, attention and love than someone else's, then he spoils not someone else's child, but his own. And problems in the future are more likely to arise in a younger child. So, under no circumstances should this be done.
DINARA KEKSINA, owner of Red Pepper Events @di_keksina
I am not a supporter of the concept that a child can become a hindrance to a new relationship. Perhaps this is a relic of the past, imposed on us by old films or the opinion of the older generation. I believe that if one person loves another, then he loves everything in him - his work and hobbies, his character and his child as well. And if this does not happen, then it is worth considering: is it love? My divorce at one time became a public story, I am not one of those who will shed tears over the past. My friends and I then threw a noisy party, and all this was perceived very positively in my environment. No one told me to my face that I could be left alone; maybe they talked about it behind my back, but I am a self-sufficient person, and, by and large, I don’t care who and what says about me on the sidelines.
Probably, every mother has concerns about whether the beloved man and child will find a common language, but I am absolutely sure of my son - Cyril is very sociable, he knows how to charm and fall in love with himself, it seems to me, anyone! And then, my real man is my best friend for a long time, Cyril has known him since birth. So there were no problems in communication. The son calls my man by his name - Max. Sometimes, it happens, he will say “Papa Max” and laugh: they say, how funny I was joking! This is really cute, but the child has a father, and there is Max. And I'm glad it turned out the way it did.
ANNA SYROMYATNIKOVA, founder of the SIANNA brand, master of destiny and destiny matrix @krasotka_any
With my first husband, for a long time we did not advertise that we were no longer together - even the child did not know about it. Dad arrived at 6 in the morning, woke up his son and took him to training, I put him to bed. About a year later, rumors began to spread, and we had to confess. Thanks to the fact that with my first husband we managed to maintain - I'm not afraid of this word - an ideal relationship, the child was not injured, he still has a mother and father, and the fact that we do not live together did not affect our attitude towards our son in any way .
When we announced the breakup, my girlfriend (as it turned out later, a pseudo-friend) assured: “Anna, you should sit at home and shed tears! You are the victim in this situation! Alone, with a child . .. ". And this is not my story at all! After all, in any relationship, everything depends on the woman. And divorce for me, on the contrary, at that moment became a certain point of growth.
Most of all, I was probably afraid of how my son would perceive my new relationship. Even when, for example, we went on vacation, and someone on the beach met me, I saw how Nikita reacted: he “turned on the hedgehog”. He has such a character: for a son, mom and dad are something unshakable, his fulcrum. So I tried not to introduce anyone to him. But when I met Ilya, my current husband, I immediately understood: this is my man. And therefore, albeit with caution, she nevertheless introduced him to Nikita. "Hedgehog", of course, at first was, but, by the way, not so prickly. I managed to convey to my son a simple thought: “Ilya is my friend, and he will become your friend too.”
Ilya was also worried about how he would be able to build a relationship with Nikita. And he also initially behaved very correctly, having managed to establish contact with him. After two months, they began to spend so much time together that I was even a little jealous: “Hey, what about me?” (laughs).
I am for harmony in any relationship: my first and my current husbands communicate well with each other, children easily find a common language with both. I'm sure it all depends on thoughts. I never even admitted that it could be otherwise! After all, everything starts with ourselves: when a woman loves herself with unconditional love, accepts herself and others as they are, she radiates this energy and multiplies it. In support of this, I can say that there is not a single bad person in my life - if they appear, they immediately leave. So the most important thing is the state of love. And a husband, and children, and money, and position come to this state ...
EKATERINA TSIPERSON, founder of EMS fitness studio JammFit @ekaterinatciperson
I have always been calm about the opinions of others regarding my personal life. And I am aware that if the relationship has become obsolete, then the children will not help to save it. I was never afraid of loneliness, I knew for sure that I would definitely meet a man who would love both me and my child.
When we first met my husband, I immediately told him that I have a son - in this matter I advocate openness. He took this information quite calmly, which for me was a certain indicator of his adequacy. At that time, he himself had two daughters from his first marriage: that is, on the one hand, he had experience of communicating with children, but at that moment he did not know how to interact with the boy.
We started dating when my child was three years old, and our views on raising a child did not always coincide. At some point, I realized that I did not allow my man to raise a child. But, after analyzing all my concerns and fears, I nevertheless decided: I need to let go of the reins, if I have connected my life with this person, then I must trust him in everything, including in matters of education. Now we have two common sons, and my husband is the main example for them, he devotes a lot of time to all three. Do not be afraid to build new relationships, having a child (and more than one), if a man loves you, he will definitely love your children too!
What if the husband does not help with the child?
Parental forums are full of women's complaints about their husbands: he does not help with the child, does not get up at night, divides household chores into "men's" and "women's" and keeps waiting until the baby grows up to play football with him. We decided to talk about this with family counselor Nina Hoffman and found out that the situation needs to be considered from two sides. Many fathers simply do not write on the Internet about how they feel after the birth of a child. How to distribute responsibilities and make sure that there is peace and mutual assistance in the family, says the specialist.
What do you think: is the problem of “husband not helping with children” a global one, or can such complaints be heard only from Russian mothers?
Of course, this problem exists not only in Russia. But in countries where a patriarchal approach to family relations is preserved, it is more tangible. Although the point here is not only in patriarchy, but in principle in the difference between the concepts of motherhood and fatherhood. Globally, motherhood and fatherhood are completely different things, no matter how we try to equate them today.
Functionally they can be compared. For example, in Israel, fathers are actively involved in childcare. But profoundly, motherhood and fatherhood are different. It is impossible to determine what is more important or less important. They are at different poles, it is not very correct to compare them, in my opinion.
The child grows 9 months inside the mother: knows the timbre of her voice, smell, feels her nervous vibrations. The connection with the mother during the first few months is more significant. Mom is the first guide of the child into the world. And although the baby also knows the father, especially if the father was present at the birth and took the newborn in his arms, at first all this cannot be compared with contact with the mother.
At the first stage, the mother needs the father more than the child. Mom needs his support: feed, create good conditions. For the first months, a woman is immersed in feeding, caring for a baby. At this time, she needs her husband's help more in everyday life and less in the context of communication with the child. Such care strengthens the bond between a man and a woman.
But it is at this very moment that most often a mother or mother-in-law comes to help a woman who has recently given birth, pushing her father aside. Maybe this is where all the problems begin?
There is nothing wrong with one woman helping another, it is a natural part of life. A mother or sister who has herself gone through childbearing may be better at caring for a new mother than a man. Nevertheless, during this period, it is important that it is the husband who is there, providing everything necessary for the mother and child.
It is best if, at least for the first 10 days after the birth of a baby, a man can take a vacation and stay at home with only the three of us, in order to understand how the life of the family has changed and get used to the new situation.
It is also important to prepare in advance: everyone should state their expectations from a partner for the first period after childbirth, it is even worth trying to write them down.
Fathers of newborns do this very often now. But why, after the first weeks spent together, do not all husbands get involved in caring for the child?
It is very important to understand what generally happens in a couple during this period. First, having a baby is a lot of stress. For all. There were two family members and suddenly there were three. And the third is a person with a huge number of needs. All habitual ways are collapsing, logistics is changing, responsibility and guilt for one's parental inexperience appears.
Isn't it at this moment that a man also begins to be jealous, demanding special attention from a woman and moving away from a child?
Each member of the family should be tried to understand during this period. The woman is completely immersed in caring for the baby. Husband and wife are deprived of intimacy for some time. And even after physical contact becomes possible, many women have a severe decrease in sexual desire due to fatigue, lack of sleep, sometimes due to an overabundance of tactile sensations. Kinesthetic women experience this especially painfully: when the child finally goes to bed, they want no one to touch them at all. And the man stays away.
Or, for example, in a co-sleeping situation, dad moves into another room on the sofa. A husband and wife do not have the opportunity not only to have sex, but simply to hug and stroke each other. This reinforces the emotional gap. Glances disappear, special words understandable only to two. Violated intimate space, which is an important basis for partnerships. It's getting harder for people to get along.
Instead of two loving people, a couple of "mother and child" appears, and somewhere on the side - dad. Men can interpret everything that happens as "they don't need me anymore. "
Of course, I will make a reservation that we are talking about the average variant. Everything happens differently for everyone.
In such a situation, it is also very important to talk about your feelings - both for a man and a woman. Set aside time for this and talk about what points get in the way, what you would like to change, and come to an agreement. For example, if co-sleeping "expels" dad from the bed or even from the bedroom, this voice is also worth hearing, finding a compromise that suits everyone.
Of course, it is difficult for everyone, and everyone has different expectations, but the fundamental question remains: should the involvement in the process of caring for a child be the same for a man and a woman?
I don't really like the word "should". "Must - must not" - does not work. Mom and dad each give their own - this is the key point. I believe that the role of a father in a child's life is exceptional. The father is the gender model for boys and the opposite sex for girls. The role of the father is exclusive. She is mega-important, while being different from the role of a mother. The father cannot breastfeed the baby, and it may be more difficult for him to calm the baby at first, but the father is very important in the separation process. It is easier for him to let go of a child than for a mother.
I'm not just talking about the fact that children go to kindergarten easier with dads. I mean separation in the early stages. Mom not only has to feed the baby, she must begin to slowly let him go. Let's take self-sleeping as an example. Mom knows that the child already knows how to do something, but it is more difficult for her to let him go. One thinks: “What if she starts crying? What if he can't?" All these things are easier for dad. He can do it if given the opportunity. It is very important. And this gives the child self-confidence. Teaches him how to deal with difficulties. Dads often rage with children, throw them up, they, as a rule, react more calmly to falls and injuries.
Here it is important that mom trust dad: try not to think that he does not care about the child's feelings or that the child will fall and break his neck. Dad cares about the health and safety of the child, he just reacts to many things differently.
These are just examples, but if in general, it is not the same involvement that is important, but that everyone is involved in the process in their own way, so that both parents are always present in the life of the child and each gives him something of his own.
Good. But can dads change diapers at the same time? Here is a typical situation: the baby is crying, the mother says to her husband: “Change the diaper, please!”, the father replies: “Oh, I can’t, I can’t do it, you are doing everything better!” And what to do?
Of course it can. At first, mom also doesn’t always change diapers well, but since she has already changed dozens, she is more deft at it. Need practice. If dad says, "You're better at this, I can't," and mom says, "Well, okay!", she "cooperates" with her husband's uncertainty and continues to do everything herself.
And if a mother hears "I'm not doing well" and tries to understand what is behind it, there are chances to change everything. For example, it may be behind this: "I'm scared, I'm afraid to hurt him!". With this phrase, dad shows that he is waiting for approval and permission to try after all. And if at this moment a woman says: “Darling, you are so tender sometimes, I know. I am absolutely sure that you will not do anything bad to our child! And I need to take a shower, ”dad will do everything right, although not the first time.
Very often problems start when dad is not heard. Hearing a husband does not mean starting to study like a small child (second or eldest), but understanding that a man also has difficulties and needs that need to be accepted. And you need to do this at least so that the husband can also hear his wife.
That is, each of the parents still has their own area of responsibility, but a woman does not need to fully take care of the child?
Skewed responsibility is not good for either side: neither mother nor father. The main thing here is interaction and trust. For example, mom went to the shower and hears - the child is yelling. She jumps out of the shower and rushes to “protect” the baby, turning to her father: “What are you doing? He cries all the time! Why can't you do everything neater?" At this moment, it is important for a woman to realize that nothing terrible has happened to the child.
If a baby cries because of something that is unusual for him or because right now he wants to be with his mother, and not with his father, he will not have a psychological trauma from this. And there is no need to save from dad. Such a reaction of the mother will lead to the fact that the father will be even more insecure in his actions and will even more want to withdraw himself.
What can mom do? Firstly, to understand that she has hormones and not always adequate reactions to the crying of a child (and this is normal!). Well, if the husband understands this too. It is imperative to talk about this. Secondly, try not to criticize your husband, because next time he will have less desire to try to do the same. Thirdly, it is worth involving the husband even before the birth in preparation.
For example, you can reconsider the distribution of responsibilities, make lists of who wants to and can do what. You can also agree on the age at which the child’s father is ready to stay alone with him so that the mother can “breathe” a little (then by this time it is necessary to accustom the baby to a bottle or express milk if the child is only breastfed). If mom wants to go out in the evenings, then it is necessary that by this time the baby can fall asleep not only at the breast, then dad will also have the opportunity to put him down. You need to go through specific examples and make specific decisions. But the main thing is to remove criticism.
Criticism is generally not constructive in relationships, especially if the older generation also joins in.
Yes, there should be no criticism from relatives either. It is important to discuss this moment with grandmothers. For example: “Mom, I am very glad for your help, but please do not force your husband out. It is important for me that he learns to do everything himself! In no case, please, do not take the child from his hands when he takes it. Dads have an initiative, but sometimes they just stop it. A father with a child must be given time together. Show and emphasize that the child is common.
But something will help to establish intra-family communication?
Most problems can be solved with words. For example, a mother is alone with her baby all day. She just dreams that someone will replace her. Maybe she thinks about it all day. She is tired, she has no more strength.
But dad, who comes home from work in the evening, is also tired. He enters the house and without warning receives the child in his arms. Without dinner and minimal rest. This is where the complete misunderstanding begins on both sides. The problem can be solved with words. Everything needs to be negotiated.
For example, when a husband is driving home from work, a wife might say how she feels and what she expects from him: “Today was a hard day! I am waiting for you to hand over the child. Get ready: you will come, wash your hands and I will give it to you!”. A man, at least internally, will be ready for what awaits him. Or he will tell his wife why he is not ready to take the baby right away (perhaps he also had a hard day). It is important that parents can agree, discuss what is happening and understand each other.
To the question of what needs to be discussed in advance. What do you think it is necessary to say before the birth of children?
First of all, you need to say the fundamental points: who and how sees his contribution to the upbringing and care of children. People generally don’t talk much about it, but in vain! It is important to talk about approaches to education, what kind of parent does each of the couple see themselves as? Does the future husband want to participate in the preparation for childbirth, will he be present at the birth? How he sees the life and financial support of the family after the birth of children. This is not a questionnaire, but an agreement on expectations, an attempt to understand what will happen next.
It seems to a man and a woman that love will solve all problems, but this is not so. In such conversations, you can also voice your fears and concerns. In general, before the birth of children, you need to talk as much as possible about what awaits a married couple. And try to understand what everyone can count on.
Why do you think it is difficult for women to say, “Help me with the baby!” and ask for something specific?
It is important to learn how to talk about your feelings. We are all bad at this, but it is important. Understand what you want. Dialogue works best in any pair. At the first stages, it is best for a mother to deal only with a child and understand that help from loved ones is most needed in everyday life. But the point is that we keep our expectations to ourselves and wait for everything to resolve itself. Many women get offended if they have to beg. But we still don't have telepathy, so it's okay to ask. I wish it was not necessary to ask, but there is nothing wrong with asking. Universal way: speak. Nothing better has come up yet.
The family is a system in which every part of it is important. Everyone is responsible for making sure their part of the system works well. The main thing is to see the situation through the eyes of a loved one. Understand what is behind "I don't want, I won't". It is important to hear the motives of actions, to understand why a person behaves this way and not otherwise. Behind the cliche "a man should not take care of a child, because this is a woman's business" can be both a personal story and problems coming from childhood. All this can be learned by talking to each other. And at the same time, everyone can and should take their share of responsibility without blaming each other. If a man is afraid to approach a child, it is his responsibility to declare this. And if a woman feels that she is already on the verge, her responsibility is to say it out loud.
To be honest, I get the feeling that everything has come down on women again. It is also quite difficult for a tired, tortured mother to figure out exactly how she should turn to her husband for help so as not to hurt him. What could you say to mothers?
It is very important to understand: I do not mean that the responsibility for everything that happens lies only with the woman. I emphasize that everyone is responsible for their part. Yes, the period is very difficult for the whole family, and especially for young mothers. Therefore, it is especially important to listen to yourself, understand and articulate your needs and be able to voice them to your husband. Often we are so absorbed in the child that we do not see ourselves or our husband behind the worries. I strongly advise all young mothers to take care of themselves and their needs first of all: the child first of all needs a mother, and the better she feels emotionally and physically, the child will be calmer.