Baby flutter feeding

Comfort Nursing: Definition, Concerns, and Benefits

Does it seem like your baby always wants to breastfeed? Perhaps it even seems impossible that they could need that much food!

Many parents struggle to know how much feeding is normal for a newborn. This uncertainty can lead to anxiety about over- or underfeeding baby and analyzing everything about your baby’s breastfeeding habits.

With all the worries parents experience about properly feeding their baby, it’s important to remember that breastfeeding can provide a lot more than just nourishment.

If you find yourself with a baby who seemingly always wants to be at the breast, they may be trying to achieve much more than a full tummy.

This type of breastfeeding is referred to as comfort nursing, and you may have tons of questions about it. Is it good for the baby? What about the mom? When does it happen and should it be encouraged?

Comfort nursing is breastfeeding for another purpose besides feeding.

While the World Health Organization and the American Academy of Pediatrics recommend breast milk or formula as the sole source of a baby’s food/nutrients during the first 6 months, and encourage breastfeeding for longer, breastfeeding can be done for much more than just feeding your baby.

Breastfeeding offers opportunities for:

  • relaxation
  • bonding
  • warmth
  • cuddles
  • relief from pain

Both infants and toddlers can desire comfort nursing when they’re going through periods of exceptional growth, are in pain, struggling to fall asleep, or just seeking connection.

Comfort nursing is also sometimes called non-nutritive sucking. However, this isn’t entirely accurate since breasts typically release a little milk anytime a baby is attached sucking, and some calories are typically transferred even during comfort nursing.

Nutritionally speaking, comfort nursing is more like a snack than a full meal. Eating frequent snacks throughout the day along with good sized meals is a great way to gain weight.

For babies in their first months of life, comfort nursing can help provide extra nutrients needed for massive growth spurts and trigger greater milk production while bonding parents with their babies.

What does comfort nursing look like?

Sometimes it can be a short nursing session following a fall or disappointment that soothes your baby’s tears.

Sometimes it can be your little one crawling into your lap with drowsy eyes, looking for pre-nap cuddles and nursing, even after a full lunch.

Sometimes it can be a few hours in the evening when nothing seems to make your little one happy beyond being in your arms, at the breast.

In almost all instances, it looks like your little one seeking the familiar comfort of breastfeeding to meet needs beyond simple nourishment.

What does comfort nursing feel like?

You may also be wondering what comfort nursing feels like.

Comfort nursing may include different types of sucking in varying duration, including flutter sucking. Remember, comfort nursing just means that the primary goal is not eating a full meal, so many types of sucking motions can achieve this.

We know what you’re thinking: Wait a second, what is flutter sucking? Flutter sucking is the type of slow, drowsy sucking that’s common at the end of breastfeeding sessions.

A typical feeding session will start with strong sucks to stimulate the milk let-down reflexes. Then, a feed will typically involve rhythmic sucks intermixed with occasional pauses for swallowing.

At the very end of a feeding session, a sleepy or full baby may slow down, stop sucking, and make quivery little sucks. This is flutter sucking.

Comfort nursing may include some stronger sucks, but often focuses more on the gentler, spaced motions typical of flutter sucking.

There are many misconceptions about flutter sucking. Flutter sucking is not active feeding. It’s also not the same as a jaw or tongue tremble. Contrary to popular misconception, it’s not when your baby is getting all the higher fat milk either.

Flutter sucking will not really help to increase your milk supply or encourage your baby to put on more weight. Remember, minimal amounts of milk are being transferred during flutter sucking!

What it can do is offer a baby comfort, encourage bonding, and offer your little one the chance to fall asleep on you — which frequently aligns with the goals of comfort nursing.

If you choose to comfort nurse, you may get some negative feedback from others. They may say things like:

  • “You shouldn’t be your baby’s pacifier.”
  • “You’ll spoil your baby.”
  • “You’re going to overfeed your baby.”
  • “Your baby will never learn to fall asleep on their own if you keep letting them nurse to sleep.”
  • “This will cause your child to have attachment issues later in life.”

Are those concerns valid?

Those who believe in comfort nursing will point out:

  • Babies aren’t yet developmentally capable of manipulating adults or aware enough to problem-solve.
  • Parents offer their children pacifiers to suck on all the time when they’re upset, hurt, or trying to fall asleep, because they simulate a breast. Why are these acceptable but not the real thing?
  • If babies have a biological need to suck and their parent is available, doesn’t it make more sense to offer them a natural solution instead of a substitute?
  • Calming an upset baby is a natural part of parenting, and breastfeeding is a natural way to do so.
  • Sucking actually releases sleep inducing hormones, which can help babies establish their circadian rhythms.
  • Bonding between parents and children is an important part of the secure attachment that ultimately leads to well-adjusted, happy adults!

It’s important to point out that there’s not scientific evidence proving comfort feeding has long-term negative effects.

So, when should you be concerned about comfort nursing? Simply put, when it impacts the health of you or your baby!

While comfort nursing is typical behavior for breastfeeding babies who are developing appropriately, you should still monitor to make sure that nothing else is wrong. This is particularly true if other problem indicators exist.

For example, if your baby wants to nurse continuously and isn’t gaining weight, something is probably off that needs to be fixed.

You may want to work with a lactation consultant to determine whether milk is transferring appropriately or your baby is feeding inefficiently, or why they’re not getting enough milk despite constant feeds.

Alternatively, if you’re feeling overwhelmed and exhausted by demands being placed on you, something needs to change. Breastfeeding is a relationship between you and your baby, and it needs to be working for everyone involved!

From a health perspective, one other thing to consider is that you’ll want to carefully break the latch if your child falls asleep on you while breastfeeding. This way your child won’t continue to suck at the breast through the night. This can lead to cavities from milk sitting on the gums.

Why do little ones want to comfort nurse?

Comfort nursing can offer:

  • attachment
  • security
  • warmth
  • help for baby and mom in falling asleep
  • pain relief
  • necessary extra food during growth spurts

FYI: If a parent refuses to respond to a baby’s hunger cues for fear that they’re just looking for comfort, this could prevent the baby from getting the milk they need!

There are many studies showing the benefits of breastfeeding for children experiencing pain.

One 2018 study even showed that breastfeeding was more effective than other interventions like being held, ingesting an oral glucose solution, and using a local anesthetic in reducing a baby’s pain from a heel prick.

Perhaps you recognize these benefits but feel overwhelmed by the physical demands of your baby’s desire to comfort feed. If that’s the case, you may want to try carrying your baby in a sling or wrap. Doing so can offer some of the warmth, security, and attachment they’re likely seeking without the physical demands of breastfeeding.

If you find yourself with an infant who always wants to feed despite their belly being full, it’s important to remember that non-nutritive or comfort nursing can also provide benefits.

While you’ll want to make sure that your breastfeeding routine is providing sufficient nutrients (and not placing too much of a burden on you!), comfort nursing can offer a great opportunity to bond, relax, and even help your baby relieve some pain.

If you’re concerned about your baby’s weight, feeling overwhelmed by breastfeeding, or just would like a different perspective, you may want to reach out to a lactation consultant. They can offer you suggestions, reassurance, and an outside perspective.

Flutter Sucking and Comfort Nursing

There are lots of opinions about how often a baby should breastfeed. You might hear that it is quite normal for babies to breastfeed all the time, or conversely, that frequent feeds mean your baby is comfort nursing and shouldn’t be allowed to use you as a dummy (pacifier). If your baby isn’t gaining much weight there will be more conflicting advice… offer both breasts or stay on one breast per feed, top up or don’t top up, use breast compressions to keep baby feeding actively or “wait for the flutter sucks”. How can parents tell when a baby is breastfeeding well and where do “flutter sucking” and “comfort nursing” fit into it?

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This article answers frequently asked questions about flutter sucking and comfort nursing. It’s a companion article to Is My Baby Getting Enough Milk?, One Breast or Two Per Feed? and Breastfeeding to Sleep.

What is comfort nursing or comfort sucking?

Babies breastfeed for reasons other than just for food or to quench their thirst. Babies breastfeed to feel safe, to calm down, to warm up, for reassurance, to connect with mother, for pain relief, to fall asleep and because they love to suck. Reasons to breastfeed other than to eat or drink are sometimes called breastfeeding for comfort, comfort nursing, comfort sucking, “non nutritive” sucking or even “using the breast as a dummy”.

Non nutritive?

“Non nutritive” means not providing any nourishment (calories), however, breasts have a habit of releasing milk whenever a baby latches so babies will often get a little extra breast milk while they are comfort nursing. Even so-called “non nutritive sucking” therefore offers an opportunity to snack between meals. Snacking between meals and eating a lot of the time is a good way to gain weight and babies are looking to double their weight in the first four to six months.

Is comfort nursing good or bad?

Comfort nursing is a normal part of breastfeeding. Whether for hunger or comfort, breastfeeding is usually the answer to whatever is troubling your baby with the added bonus of some extra calories and sleep inducing hormones built in along the way. However, sometimes comfort nursing is portrayed negatively by health care workers, friends or relatives because some people seem to think a baby uses it as a way of manipulating the mother with unreasonable sucking demands (see below).

Is my baby using me as a dummy or pacifier?

You may hear that comfort nursing should be limited to avoid “spoiling” your little one. After all, goes the argument, babies need to learn some patience, and the old favourite: to “self-soothe”. This is nonsense. Babies will learn these things when they are biologically ready but they are not capable of wilfully manipulating a parent or problem solving for themselves. Those who complain that a baby is “using you as a dummy” don’t usually seem to mind the baby having an actual dummy or sucking their thumb or fingers. If a baby needs to suck, and mother is available, why not offer them the biological original rather than a man made silicone substitute? Comfort nursing to calm a fractious baby is a natural part of mothering through breastfeeding and makes for healthy brain development and well adjusted, well fed, securely attached children.

Growth spurts

Sometimes a baby may feed more often than usual because they are having a growth spurt. If they are hungry or having a growth spurt, refusing to breastfeed on cue for fear of baby using the breast as a dummy could miss hunger cues and prevent a baby from regulating their milk intake.

Is comfort nursing ever a problem?

Every mother and baby are unique and although comfort nursing is normal baby behaviour for a baby who is breastfeeding well and growing appropriately, occasionally it could indicate an underlying problem with breastfeeding. For example, if a baby is “feeding all the time” so that one breastfeed merges into another and especially if they are not gaining much weight, this could be a sign that they are not breastfeeding effectively and are comfort nursing because they are hungry. If a baby is not breastfeeding effectively—with a big mouthful of breast tissue as well as the nipple—a milk supply can quickly drop. With less milk available, a baby’s energy levels go down giving less energy to feed actively causing lower milk intake, lower energy, and so on in a downward spiral. Left unchecked, breastfeeding can become long sessions of flutter sucking with very little milk swallowed. If you’re worried that your baby is spending a lot of time breastfeeding but is not gaining much weight see Baby Not Gaining Weight and contact an IBCLC lactation consultant to help you get feeding back on track. If supplements are needed, see Supplementing an Underweight Baby.

What is flutter sucking?

Flutter sucking describes the type of slow, sleepy sucking babies do at the end of a breastfeed. During a breastfeed babies tend to move through three sucking stages:

  1. Stimulating the let down. Babies start a breastfeed with some quick strong sucks to initiate the let down. Their tongue cups the breast and you will see the baby’s lower jaw moving up and down as it opens and closes on the breast. Breastfeeding hormones are released when nerves close to the nipple are triggered, and milk will usually begin to flow within a minute or two.
  2. Active feeding. Once the milk lets down (milk ejection reflex), sucking will be interspersed with swallows of milk while babies are actively feeding. You will see the lower jaw moving up and down rhythmically and you might hear a pattern of one suck per swallow or a few sucks followed by a swallow of milk. A baby may take a break during active feeding, they might hold the breast in their mouth for a minute or two without moving their jaw and then start to suck and swallow again.
  3. Flutter sucking. Towards the end of the feed, sucking slows down, the jaw movements get less pronounced, there are fewer and fewer swallows, and baby may fall asleep or let go of the breast when they are full. Some people call the fluttery, quivery sucking movements at the end of the feed “flutter sucking”. This means different things to different people so some mothers are getting confused whether flutter sucking is particularly important nutritionally or whether it is a type of comfort sucking.

Is flutter sucking the same as comfort nursing?

Flutter sucking is a form of comfort nursing but tends to be used to describe a baby who is sucking lightly without many swallows and is falling asleep at the breast. Some breastfeeding helpers are confusing flutter sucking with active feeding and are encouraging mothers to feed from one breast per feed with the idea that the longer a baby stays flutter sucking on one breast, the more high calorie milk (hindmilk) baby will swallow and the more weight they will gain. This is misleading for parents because flutter sucking is not active feeding and staying on one breast as a general rule is a way to reduce a milk supply. See How to Make More Breast Milk and One Breast or Two Per Feed? for information on how breasts work, and Forget About Foremilk and Hindmilk explains why you don’t need to worry about foremilk and hindmilk.

Is flutter sucking baby getting hindmilk?

Your baby will not be getting very much hindmilk when they are flutter sucking, because, by definition, flutter sucking is not active feeding. And at the end of a breastfeed, although the milk might be slightly higher calorie, there is not very much of it once the breast has been drained. Unless you can see your baby’s jaw moving actively and hear your baby swallowing they are unlikely to be getting much milk. However, there are always exceptions, if you have another let down of milk while your baby is sleeping at the breast, your baby might start sucking and swallowing again.

Do I need to look for flutter sucks at every feed?

Not really, if you’re worried about milk intake, it’s better to look out for active feeding rather than flutter sucks. Active sucking and swallowing are how your baby gets milk and empties the breasts. And efficient breast drainage is the key to making more milk. This is why breast compressions and switching breasts can be useful to simulate another let down and get a baby sucking actively again if he has fallen asleep before he has taken a full feed. There are lots of ways to increase your milk supply but waiting around for fluttery sucks while staying on one breast for set periods of time isn’t one of them.

Breastfeeding on demand and letting your baby finish the first breast on his own before offering the second side is how your baby regulates his milk supply. And flutter sucking is a natural part of the sequence of feeding and falling asleep contentedly at the breast. It is only if your baby is not gaining much or any weight, that it is important to be aware that when sucking slows right down to “flutter sucks” a baby is not swallowing much milk. Not hindmilk, not foremilk, not any milk. If your baby is spending a large portion of every feed flutter sucking, and is not gaining weight check in with your health professional and a breastfeeding specialist and see Baby Not Gaining Weight.

Is baby asleep when he is flutter sucking?

Once sucking slows down and there are hardly any swallows and your baby’s eyes have closed, your baby has fallen asleep. Lots of babies like to sleep with the breast in their mouth after they have finished feeding. The shallow movements of a baby flutter sucking without swallows indicate a baby who is dreaming about sucking. Some babies do continue to feed well in their sleep, but in that case, their mouths will be moving more deeply than tiny shallow quivers and you will hear swallows. For more information on the pros and cons of sleeping at the breast see Breastfeeding to Sleep.

Video clips of babies flutter sucking

The first clip shows a baby making the same fluttery mouth movements in their sleep they might make at the end of a breastfeed while still latched to the breast.

In the second clip you can see the tongue making light fluttery movements

How can I tell if my baby is getting enough milk?

There are several ways to tell if your baby is getting enough milk even though you can’t physically see what has been drunk. Is My Baby Getting Enough Milk? discusses these in more detail and includes a video clip that shows a baby who is feeding actively. If you’re not sure whether your baby is feeding actively or has a “good latch”, contact an IBCLC lactation consultant for a feeding assessment.

Baby not gaining weight

If your baby is not gaining much weight, and your baby’s doctor has checked there are no underlying health issues causing low gain, contact an IBCLC lactation consultant. The latter will be able to assess a breastfeed, take a full history and make suggestions to keep your baby well fed while you build your milk supply. For helpful further reading see Baby Not Gaining Weight, Understanding Your Baby’s Weight Chart, Supplementing an Underweight Baby and How to Make More Breast Milk.

My baby’s jaw sometimes trembles is that the same as a flutter suck?

A jaw or tongue tremor is different from flutter sucking. It looks more as if the jaw or tongue are trembling or shaking. There are different explanations for this such as an immature nervous system, neurological disorder or muscle fatigue due to a tongue-tie. In Supporting Sucking Skills in Breastfeeding Infants 2017, Cathy Watson Genna, IBCLC explains:

Excerpt from
Supporting Sucking Skills In Breastfeeding Infants, Cathy Watson Genna, 2017

Tremors associated with neurological issues tend to be seen at the start of a feed and will be frequent and persistent, whereas fatigue tremors in tongue-tied infants are more likely to occur later in the course of the feeding (p.366)

Always contact your baby’s doctor and a breastfeeding specialist for a thorough assessment if you have any concerns about any unusual behaviours, tremors or noises while your baby is feeding.

Comfort nursing is the name sometimes used to describe breastfeeding for reasons other than for food such as breastfeeding a baby to sleep, calming a crying baby or because baby enjoys sucking. Babies will still get a little milk while they are comfort nursing and it’s a great mothering tool. Flutter sucking is a form of comfort nursing but is a term usually reserved for the pattern of light fluttery sucking with few swallows seen at the end of a breastfeed. Some mothers are being told that flutter sucking is when their baby is getting all the higher fat milk. This is misleading as there is very little milk transfer going on during flutter sucking compared with active feeding. Babies who are not gaining weight well and who spend a lot of time sleeping and flutter sucking at the breast can be encouraged to feed more actively by using breast compressions and switching breasts whenever sucking slows.

Active and passive participles. Table and examples

Free introductory lesson in Russian


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There are two types of participles in Russian that differ in the subject of the action. This article described the rules for the formation of real and passive participles.

Main groups of participles

First, let's understand what a participle is and what is the difference between real and passive participles.

Participle is an independent part of speech or a special form of a verb that denotes a sign of an object by action and answers the questions of an adjective.

Let's repeat the most important thing again: the participle characterizes the object from the point of view of action. Moreover, the object itself performs it, or it is performed on it by someone else. It follows from this:

  • If the action is performed by the object to which the sacrament refers, then it is valid.

  • If the object experiences the action of another, the participle is passive.

Main participle groups:

  • Present passive participles.

  • Passive past participles.

  • Real present participles.

  • Real past participles.

Consider an example of real participles:

  • A birthday person receiving a gift is a birthday person who receives a gift, that is, the action is performed by the birthday person himself.

  • The birthday person who received the gift is the birthday person who received the gift, that is, the birthday person performed the action.

These are all valid participles.

Consider an example of passive participles:

  • A gift received by a birthday person is a gift that a birthday person receives, that is, the gift is subject to the actions of the birthday person, the gift itself does not perform the action.

  • The gift received by the birthday person is the gift that the birthday person received, that is, the gift was subjected to the actions of the birthday person.

These are all passive participles.

Another good example:

  • The child hugged the dog.

    Now there is a child embracing the dog (he himself performed the action), and a dog embracing the child (she experienced the action of another).

    Embraced - real participle, embraced - passive.

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Take the test at the introductory lesson and find out what topics separate you from the "five" in Russian.

Suffixes of active and passive participles

To understand how to distinguish between passive and active participles, we look at their suffixes.

All the rules have already been invented for us - it remains to remember and apply them. In the table, we have given suffixes with which you can form real and passive participles.


The present participles are formed from the stem of the present tense (the suffix depends on the conjugation), and the past participles are formed from the stem of the infinitive (the vowel before the suffix depends on the vowel before “t”).




past tense


past tense

1 ref.

2 ref.

-sh-, -sh-

1 ref.

2 ref.

-nn-, -enn-, -t-

-short-, -south-

-ash-, -shch-



Sometimes the active participle can be used in the passive voice. In this case, it characterizes an object that does not produce an action itself. For example:

  • Building under construction.

  • At the same time, we understand that the building is not built by itself.


Active participle suffixes can be remembered by the way they "hiss".

Passive past participles can be shortened. It does not change by case, it always stands in the nominative case and always acts as a predicate in a sentence. For example:

  • The task has been set.

Full participles change by case, gender and number. To correctly write the ending, you need to ask a question. Like this:

Active participles can be formed from both transitive and intransitive verbs. Passive participles are formed only from transitive verbs.





present temp.

past time

present temp.

past temp.























Next, consider how real and passive participles are formed.

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Formation of the real participles of the present tense

Real participles of the present tense are formed:

  • write (1 question) - writing,

  • hear (2 sp.) - hearing,

  • breathe (2 sp.) - breathable.

  • Real present participles can only be formed from imperfective verbs.

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    Formation of real past participles

    Real past participles can be formed from transitive and intransitive verbs, both perfect and imperfective.

    Real past participles are formed using the suffixes -vsh- and -w- .

    For example:

    If the stem of the verb from which the real past participle is formed ends in a consonant, then we use the suffix -w- . For example:

    If the stem of the verb ends in a vowel, then we use the suffix -vsh- . For example:


    When writing real past participles before the suffix, you need to keep the same vowel as in the indefinite form of the verb before "t". For example: to see - to see, to seal - to seal.

    Formation of present passive participles

    Present passive participles are formed from the basis of the present tense of imperfective verbs:

    • from verbs of the 1st conjugation using suffixes em/om:

      lead - slave, manage - managed;

    • from verbs of 2 conjugations using the suffix -im-:

      sees - sees - visible, stores - stores - stored.

    Forming passive past participles

    When forming passive past participles, the form of the verb does not matter. Such participles can be formed from transitive verbs of both the perfect and imperfect form.

    Passive past participles are formed with the help of suffixes -nn-, -enn-, -yonn-, -t-. For example:

    The suffix -nn- can only be attached to the stem of verbs in at/yat. For example:

    When using the suffix -enn- and -yonn-, you need to cut off the final vowel of the verb stem. For example:

    • deprive - deprived.

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    Did the child fail the Unified State Examination and did not go to college? We will tell you what to do in this case

    Society What to read

    Anna Borisova

    August 8, 14:06



    #Unified State Examination





    All the energy, time and nerves are spent on preparation and entrance exams. It is all the more offensive if, as a result, it turns out that the child failed the competition and did not enter. However, there is nothing wrong with such a situation. On the contrary, it can become a starting point for new achievements. How to overcome the bitterness of defeat, advises Ksenia Mazitova Leading psychologist at the Tyumen regional center "Family".

    Before giving detailed instructions, we suggest that adults study three reactions that should not be used when a child comes with the news: "I did not pass the Unified State Examination (OGE)" or "I did not enter":

    1. Psychologists do not recommend devaluing what happens with the words: "It's okay." In a child’s head, they may sound like: “Parents don’t care.”
    2. Do not preach at this moment. The desire to educate with the phrase "it was necessary to study better" will cause a reaction in a teenager: "they got it with their advice."
    3. Do not seek to deny his loss. Words of support spoken with good intentions: “If you didn’t get in, you’ll go to work” can cause resentment, and an immature adult will think that you again decide everything for him.

    So, what exactly can help a child cope with the blow of fate?

    Don't wear a Superman mask

    First of all, no cliched phrases like "Didn't pass? Well, okay. Just think, you will lose a year, your whole life is ahead. Showy carelessness can devalue the grief of a teenager, it is you who understand that the whole life lies ahead. In his eyes, this very life is now collapsing. Ideally, you need to sympathize with the child and offer solutions. Yes, it's sad, very bad and painful for you. I'm upset myself. But let's think about what to do next? Let me pay for the tutor to retake.

    Ksenia explained that if a child is under severe stress, you should immediately contact a psychologist. The result of the exam can be a natural result of events taking place outside the school.

    - Now I have a girl in therapy who did not pass three subjects in the OGE. Even before the exam, she had and still has constant conflicts in the family, due to which the teenager developed severe emotional exhaustion, failure in the exam was the result of problems at home. Now she needs medical help, healthy sleep and a safe environment.

    Whether you are a teenager or a parent. If severe stress occurs, a person's cognitive functions fall. Attention is scattered, constant worries, anxiety are observed, problems with sleep and eating appear. The person is distracted all the time and cannot concentrate. It is very difficult to get out of this on your own. It is impossible to say to yourself - that's it, don't think about it anymore, and the symptoms will pass.

    The specialist explained that at the age of 15 to 18 a person only learns to control the higher nervous mental activity of the brain, so it is much more difficult for him to cope with such conditions. He would be happy to prepare for the retake, and at home there are always disassemblies, scandals. The situation can be complicated by younger brothers or sisters who need to be monitored. As a result, a teenager wastes all resources for studying. There is no strength left. Parents do not take this into account, and then they begin to blame the children: “You seemed to study, but didn’t pass?”.

    After so many remarks to adults, parents may wonder: “What now, don’t tell him anything at all?”. Psychologists are unequivocal in their answer that it is necessary to talk, but only from the position of an adult, and if emotions cannot be hidden and hidden, then you should not put on a Superman mask. Ksenia Mazitova gave 6 recommendations to parents.

    1. Come to stability on your own

    It's great if an adult understands that he needs to calm himself first before starting to scold his child for failing the exam. It is a rarity. In practice, adults scream, scold, blame. These are their feelings, experiences, and in this way they unconsciously transfer it to the child, and they themselves think that they support or educate.

    Parents may have their own internal unfulfilled ambitions: ‘‘I didn’t go to college, but I did everything so that my child could’’. It is almost impossible to admit that your injuries are very difficult without the help of a specialist. After all, it’s spinning in your head that you, as an adult, paid for everything: tutors, the best courses, you bought everything for him, but he took it and didn’t pass it.

    And you, as his parent, did not assume that a teenager, perhaps already at a physiological level, did not have the abilities that were expected from him. Maybe his logical thinking is not developed or there are difficulties with attention.

    An adult can unconsciously act out his childish scenario and realize his potential at the expense of the child. I now have a teenager in a state of apathy for a consultation, because her mother wanted to make her a ballerina, but they got a despotic coach, and her mother did not notice this for a long time, and now the girl has an injury and no desire to do ballet. Therefore, dear parents, first resolve your internal traumas, work through your childhood grievances and experiences, and then help the children.

    2. Start the conversation honestly with the words “I”, not “You”

    If you want to express your feelings to a child, be sure to say: “I am upset”, “I expected, but . ..”, “I am in shock” , "I know that you feel bad too, but I need time to recover, we'll talk later", "I feel bad, but I want to talk."

    The simpler and sincere to act, the better. Grieve, get angry together, but make it clear that you are not angry with him, but with the situation.

    3. Postpone persuasion and phrases "We prepared with you, passed"

    End with the pronoun "we". This child was preparing and taking the exam. He went to a tutor, and you only paid. It is important to ask what your son or daughter wants. Yes, you can indicate your position on higher education. But you should not immediately engage in debriefing and look for an answer to the question: ‘‘Why did this happen?''. If your teenager says that it's all over, then you talked to him about the only scenario in the history of the Unified State Examination - this is passing, but there was no option "B", when the child did not pass the points.

    There is a very colloquial phrase: give a magic pendel. What is this? Kick. That is, you have to hurt me so that I can start acting. It is unlikely that anyone in their right mind wants pain, they need support. If pain turns you on, then you can take trainings in the style of walking on coals, glass, etc. that you can force him to act by scolding may give a completely different reaction. The child will become aggressive or withdraw into himself.

    4. Give responsibility to your children

    You need to give the right to make a decision to a teenager. Adults should recognize that, for example, behind the persuasion to go to study, and not to work, and the fact that the child does not do what you want, in principle, there is fear and unwillingness to lose control over him.

    Do not manipulate phrases: "We pay for you, you live with us, you have nowhere to go." This develops a sense of guilt in him, and the person eventually comes to the conclusion that it would be better to rent an apartment and go to work than to study.

    When I accept a person, I tell him: do what you want - this is his choice and mistakes, thereby placing responsibility in his hands. But here you need to trust and understand that if something doesn’t work out for him, then perhaps it’s me, an adult, who didn’t teach him something.

    However, parents do not want to put up with their mistakes - to admit that they were not ideal as parents, especially if this was their main activity (we are talking about those mothers and fathers who devoted themselves completely to education, forgetting about their career and implementation). It's hard, so we do our best to persuade children to go to college, insist on studying, retaking - we take the decision on ourselves. As a result, we do not let them feel what responsibility and independence are."

    5. Don't confuse depression with a bad mood

    How to recognize depression? A person's behavior changes dramatically, eating habits have changed, he sleeps a lot and does not get out of his bed - this continues for 1-2 weeks. Becomes sloppy, does not want to wash, take care of himself, refuses to go outside. Eating behavior changes dramatically: starves or overeats, causes vomiting.

    Does not sleep, insomnia appeared, and spends the whole day in bed, complains of fears, nightmares, tearfulness appeared. True, you need to understand that if he was whiny before the exam and is crying now, then this is rather a normal reaction, but all the actions that are not characteristic of him should alert you. Therefore, do not wait for the condition to pass by itself. If you have any doubts, contact a psychologist or psychotherapist."

    6. Don't hide under the mask "It's okay"

    If you say "It's okay" and you see a teenager with a sad face or a forced smile all the time, it's not good. It's better not to do that.

    This will resemble the state when you swallowed something, and it got stuck somewhere in your throat: neither here nor there. Not the most ethical comparison, but it is well comparable with this state. The child will notice the deceit, he will understand that you are lying to him and put on a mask. It’s better to yell and apologize later than to walk around and say: “It’s okay, I’m not upset”, showing the opposite with all appearance.

    If you can't cope with yourself or with your child, contact a psychologist, a teacher-psychologist. They will help.


    In conclusion, Ksenia Mazitova suggested starting a dialogue with a teenager who did not pass the exam or did not enter, something like this: “Yes, it’s sad, but we have what we have. I understand what you are going through now, this is normal, how can I please you?"

    If emotions have already overwhelmed you, family members are in conflicts, and the child is in an apathetic or depressive mood - you should not continue to create a favorable environment for mental trauma, it is better to seek help from a psychologist, psychotherapist, psychiatrist - this is not shameful, this is normal.

    In the Tyumen regional center "Family" psychologists are available by appointment.

    Appointment by phone: 8 (3452) 20-21-33 and 20-40-70.

    Today we told how applicants to enter a college in the Tyumen region .

    Also earlier, listed six options for applicants who could not enter the university on a budget.

    In the photo: Ksenia Mazitova

    Photo: Family Center

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